Time to Buy Some Crap for The Holidays!

Long Held (by me) as the best catalog out there for a number of years. Now the venerable and respected SkyMall is approaching Fingerhut-levels of cheesiness and useleness. I blame the fact that now the products are not as carefully picked and the fact that it is no essentially a collection of catalogs from different manufacturers and retailers, no longer having focus on the best and a single voice. Once upon a time, I loved the descriptions and the copy used to be near-exquisite. Now it seems is waiting for the 'Spencer Gifts' section to complete its trip to hell.

Don't Believe me? Check this Jezebel article on what the catalog has for the season:

19 Crappy Gifts from Sky Mall

Honey, look. Sure, I promised you a Lexus, but see, This toilet seat can sing!

credit: jezebel.com

Yet More Desperation Marketing - 3 is a Trend?

Well, 3 is a trend, right? Yet more desperate moves in Direct Marketing. It is a strange time out there folks.

Men's Retailer Begs for Customers via Direct Mail

Here is a conundrum for the ages? what is the amount of truth your direct marketing should have? It is a very tricky question. How much should you reveal of your current situation? When is a plea OK to do in a message? (from a for-profit enterprise) My take is , the truth should be about the needs that the product will fulfill, because that is as true as it can be for your right target customer. As for your particular situation being shared via your direct mail? Remember, positivity sells, desperation doesn't.

* the exception that proves the rule is the famous Nigerian scam emails

credit" consumerist.com

More Desperation Marketing: The Fake Collection Bill

More Desperation Marketing! Now its notorious offender Bally Fitness.

Check the story HERE

Once again, here we have another sneaky tactic, a subscription letter in the form of a past-due account, plus it asks for a credit card number! So they can renew your memebership from here to eternity and beyond. Who the hell approves these things? Is there no legal department over there or what?

Jeebus Cripes, I pity the fool who falls for this one. Me? I am so broke, I am an expert in past-due and collection letter marketing. I've also seen the debt settlement offers in the guise of a credit card application. Stay Vigilant folks!

Credit: Consumerist.com

A Gallery of Google and Other Contextual Ad Fuck-Ups

Quickie post on the fly:

Here is an awesome article with a Gallery of Pictures when Contextual ads go wrong:

Click Here: Gallery of Digital Ad Wrecks

Credit: Sillicon Alley Insider

Klondike Bars: The Official Sponsor Of Your Affair With a 21 year old Babysitter

As Kanye West said:

So we gonna do everything that Kan like

Heard they'd do anything for a Klondike

Well I'd do anything for a blonde-dike

Well, How about a blonde 21 year-old babysitter? In yet another example of marketing folks working their life issues, traumas, resentments, unrestricted sexual urges and other assorted character shortages, through their marketing, Klondike Bars is bringing us the wholesome new character of 'Khaki Pants Pete' , a middle age dude in what apparently looks like a middle-life crisis. (The game feels like the old 'Larry' Video games series from the mid-80's. Remember Those? Where you tried to get Larry Laid?)

So, if you seen this game, you can move Pete across some situations, involving neglecting your family and making a pass at a young blonde babysitter!

Sure, why not, I mean, its not like near child abuse if the babysitter is over 18th, right? I mean, even Hollywood stars do it, right?

So, let me get this straight, Ice Cream Bars = Trying to hit on the babysitter while your wife is nagging you. Awesome marketing message. Care to explain it to me? WTF? Some creative guys are apparently working their sexual hang-ups via this campaign!

So, gentleman, if you are considering hitting on your young, sane innocent, 21 year old babysitter, make sure you do so while enjoying a wonderful Klondike bar. Because when you fail to get laid with her, and you piss off your wife in the process, you can go to your freezer and grab a Klondike bar instead of a Blonde Dike at a bar!

Hey honey... maybe you can go out with your friends and I'll hire a babysitter to help me, mmmmkay?

Facebook Ads And you! Closer and More Uncomfortable than ever!

So, there you are, updating your Facebook with whatever happened on your last bowel movement, when suddenly, you see your girlfriend telling you to go to a dating site.... and you wonder, have I've been dumped? You Panic. Maybe the Pajamagram gift you gave her was not cool? well...

No, not really. (Yes the Pajamagram was lame, but this has nothing to do with it) What is going on is that Facebook can use your friends pics on third party ads! Imagine if your Mom tells you to go to a dating site? That'd be weird.

Check this out HERE!

So, as a service to the community, here is how you opt-out of such options:

Opting yourself out of appearing in these ads is a mere half dozen clicks away:

“All you have to do to prevent this is sign in to Facebook and click through to (get ready) -> Settings -> Privacy -> News Feed and Wall -> Facebook Ads -> Appearance in Facebook Ads and click “no one.”

Hmmmm.... here is my lovely 76-year old aunt Helga in a Facebook ad telling me to order some Girls Gone Wild dvds... thanks Auntie! You are the best!

Not only Sex Sells, Misogyny Sells Too!

OK, so you are a worldwide Alcohol distributor. You want to do one of those cool social media campaigns with the Facebooks and the Twitters, and The Internets and make sure this summer all the underage college kids ask for your brand while on vacation. So they come up with a great idea for a website:

What The Fuck people??? So, seriously this idea was approved? What the hell? This came from a hole in time where the all-guy team from Mad Men in the 1960's got drunk before pitching this idea, and got the client drunk as well to approve it. Plus, on top of it all, your copy has to further degrade the women in the pics with your beauty standards. This isn't humorous or funny. It's just mean.

Dude, who was the copywriter that came up with phrases like 'freckled pile of cellulite' and 'drooping breasts' ? Whoever you are, my friend, let me tell you, you got some issues. Advertising copy is not therapy, even if your cheap-ass employer has no mental healthcare available.

Allrighty then: First contender for the digital marketing FAIL of the year!

Credit: jezebel.com

Change is Coming...to the Blog!

Hello peeps, gather round the fireplace,  your favorite asshole marketing uncle has some news and updates, and no, not a damn thing to do with the iPhone 3GS. Got it?!?!?

Well,.... the good news first, you will be relieved to find out you will not see my beautiful physique dancing around in the street holding a sign for an 'out of business' sale or a Real Estate Ad, and neither will I join that tawdry website you sickos sent me as a job lead. But is ok, its the thought that counts!

So, the efforts to gain employment have finally produced some discernible results. As a good direct marketer, I know everyone cannot resist a good deal, so going well below my ongoing rate, I was able to find what I think is a fairly good opportunity. Still in DM. So now a chance to learn and, (even though everyone says that no one wants to see how the sausages are made) my chance to be the sausage maker has come. It is as ugly as you think. But I plan to enjoy it and learn nonetheless.

Having said that, it also means some changes to the blog,  since my new overlords have wayyy too many clients and partnerships that I can count or keep track of, and since it wouldn't be fair to cut slack to some and not to others, most of the FAILs, screwups, fuck-ups, etc.... I keep track of will take a hiatus. Doing so is easier to do when I can keep track of who's who, but no longer.

  Also, my new peeps are the sensitive kind, and I don't want to ran afoul of whatever delicate sensitivities I might bump into. My old crew didn't care. 

However, other stuff will continue, the News analysis of the future of DM, CRM, etc... the beloved DM Movie Festival, and some of my random thoughts on DM dilemmas encountered everywhere.  

Since most of you have the attention of a goldfish on a sugar rush and a eight of meth, and need a summary for your pretty little heads, here's the FAQs:

What the hell is going on? Where are the fuck-ups?

 - I finally got a steady check, so the times, they're a'changin' at this blog

Why? What, you don't have the balls to continue? 

 - I have more than you will ever think, however, I cannot pay the bills with them, so some of the topics will go on hiatus, although what is written, remains. Twitter stays active too, since its all the rage these days. 

So, what stays, what goes? Will you ever learn how to write a decent blog?

 -Features such as the DM Movie Festival and other random analysis stays, other stuff such as the Fails, the fuck-ups, the errors, the lack-of-QA will no longer be the day to day topic. And, yeah, this blog is good enough for me, if you want quality, click on the damned AdWord links and buy.  Maybe then I can go to the Learning Annex one of these days with all the Google cash your broke-ass purchases via my blog will generate. You get what you pay for, got it?

WTF, dude? I love the DM Wrecks. Why now?

As I said, either I am fair or I am not, the new job makes it hard to be fair to every fuck-up, and my new peeps' sensitivities are delicate. So, in the meantime, we play nice in the sandbox.  

Peace Out. I'm still here.