DM Wrecks : Tales of Direct Marketing Gone Wrong

The Last Blog Post Here: And a Warning to The Future - #occupygoogle

2012-01-24T23:50:00.000-08:00

Peeps, it seems Google has decided pseudonyms will no longer be allowed in the Google platform. So, I'm trying to save my Blog but know it can dissappear any time. I am quoting myself because I am so.fucking.awesome and I leave you with this:

"I also appreciate the irony of me using this Google-owned platform for my rantings. Maybe the Google Brain will figure out I am a threat and shut me down. (a-la-Multivac) but who knows? My ramblings may go poof one of these days. I'm not paranoid, it is simply the most likely scenario. At some point, if all our lives are nothing but content used to sell advertising, those of us whose lives aren't advertising friendly will be segregated, exiled and/or shunned."

North Dakota - When You Cannot Make it to Amsterdam or something

2012-01-13T22:21:00.000-08:00

Wow. Really? So, You can score in South Dakota? That's why we should go? Coolio. Must be the Amsterdam of the Northwest.

I guess the North Dakota Tourism Board marketing agency watched too many 'Axe' commercials. Or too many Farmer's Daughters videos.

The year has just started and we already have a candidate for the 'Bishop Magic Don Juan' achievement award in marketing.

Check the whole story HERE

The 2011 Wreckys - Ribbed for your pleasure

2011-12-17T19:33:00.000-08:00

Here we are. OMFG.... Where the fuck does time go these days... living perilously (meaning paycheck-to-paycheck) Anyway, welcome to the 2012 Edition of the Wreckys! Our host Herman Cain had to cancel due to, y'know, the thing, the girls, Vegas, ok stop. You get it. Anyway, I will be hosting this award ceremony:

The prizes are:

Worst Trends of The Year:

Google: as to why the online world of web 2.0 is like the wild west, Google is the sheriff. Jury. Judge, Executioner

The Max Tucker award for Creative Achievement- Gotta love Crosby's agency. Winner by unanimous decision: Bake it like grandma!

The 'Pinky and The Brain' award for world dominance: Facebook Timeline

The Worst I saw this year: The non-existant Tech Bubble.

The Bishop Magic Don Juan Marketing Excellence award: Pimpin' ones mother - theres no higher honor Mr Clean!

The Wreckys Lifetime Achievement Award in Blogs: Jeff Mathews Blog.

and now,

The much coveted FAIL of the year: Me. DMWrecks - for many pathetic reasons. Thank you. You love me, you really love me.

2011 In Memoriam: Christopher Hitchens

Congratulations to all our winners! Where's the booze?

Why my Yard Sale, Lando Calrissian, Danger Wireless, & The Death of WebOS are all related

2011-08-23T22:08:00.000-07:00

Hi kiddies. It is I, your favorite asshole uncle, DMWrecks, who, as usual, and despite all efforts, is facing near destitution yet again in the Global Economy. When Rome was burning, Nero played music, and I am decidedly not on the music playing side this time around. This time the safety net ain't there. (Not even unemployment insurance for a couple of months) Didn't have time to build a new net, since the last wipeout took me down hard.

So, yes, it means that I am now living of Ramen soup and a meal a day. I imagine soon I will be hitting again the Costcos at lunchtime for some food.

So, in order to avoid homelessness and get some fast income, I decided to have a Yard Sale to make sure I had some income this week. Most of the 'gigs' I had coming fell thru, so it was time to haul my crap out to sell during a hot summer day. Maybe the heat got to my stupid brain too much and I started having those famous deep thoughts you all like.

Most of what I sold were DVDs and CDs, a media collection of 20 years that had to be trimmed in the name of survival, and I was thinking how I really didn't need it. I had Pandora, Hulu and Netflix, Spotify, YouTube and whatever website rocks my boat, right? (Party in my pants, only with my hands) So, It was just clutter that can be cashed....or so I thought

However, last week, HP announced they were getting out of the WebOS business. Like clueless assholes on a reactive strategy, they couldn't be bothered to have a cohesive plan for their new strategy. It was Amateur hour at the largest tech company in the world. Just like that. The risk that all the devices collected to 'the cloud' can pretty much be useless once whoever owns the cloud decides not to maintain it any longer. The larger risk is that if HP decides to turn the WebOS 'Synergy' servers off at some point (and no amount of bullshit will make me think otherwise) then the devices will just be pretty MP3 players and e-readers with a browser..maybe. Or they might not work at all.

So, What happens when Lando Calrissian decides to betray you at Cloud city? What happens when our cloud fails? It has happened before. A year or so ago the servers from the 'Danger' Sidekick brand of phones (coincidentally a company bought and also shuttered after a brief product launch, this time by Microsoft) failed. After a few painful days, some data was lost. A year later, even with a new device, everything was shuttered down.

As I was giving away my Books, DVDs, CDs, CD players and DVD players for a few dollars in my yard sale, it occurred to me that Hard Copies of our content are still valuable, and are more reliable than any network connection will ever be. I didn't need a network to watch a movie, read a book, or to listen to an album less than 5-6 years ago. Now I do, and it scares me a bit. What happens if I have no network? (or if I cannot afford it?) If the post-apocalyptic world has no Wi-Fi? no 4G? then what? Will we go to the dumps and beg to find a scratched DVD of 'The Matrix'? Will I have to search for my CD of 'N'Sync' ? Will I wish the Blu-Ray DVD player I sold on ebay come back to me?

Certainly, the new future of content is moving to the network, and while we had some small measure of control in owning content, we are slowly giving away that control to larger companies. Netflix streaming has much less content than the DVD side, but once again, our hunger for convenience reduces what we can see. Want to see Jodorowski's 'The Holy Mountain'? Tough shit kid, that one is not in Netflix streaming, but how about seeing Mike Myers in 'Holy Man' instead? That OK?

This is not a 'kids get off my lawn' type of comment. But so far, technology has worked to give content, knowledge, news and opinions IN THE HANDS of people (the printing press, VHS, the CD, the PC) and ownership of content, this latest wave of network technology instead gives 'access' to it. And access can always be restricted, on a whim of a corporation or government. And we seem not too mind too much. We are surrendering a lot in this brave new world.

Sure, you may say, but it is easier than ever to make content, and every moron with a cam can do so! Yes, but the distribution is controlled by the network. No access means no easy way to communicate, and whatever you have to say, whether its worth it or not, will now have to be pre-approved, and in the worst of cases, a cable can be pulled out and silence will be what we have left. Somehow, we have more content than ever, but it is the most fragile its ever been. I used to have 20 year old books that I could read at any time, any place , and now I have 2 year old broken devices that don't work anymore. Why is this better?

Which reminds me, I better print these rantings one of these days, so I can read my blog when I'm homeless.

Why this is not a Tech Bubble, but why it won't matter anyway

2011-06-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

What Up? Tis' me. With yet another horrifying view into how my brain works. Blame the cheap hooch. It was 50% off at the local dollar store. So wine was only 50 cents! EPIC WIN!

Lately, the talk of the town here has finally stopped being who's baby scandal is better? Arnold's Baby? John Edward's Baby? and is now wondering if, (following the linked-in IPO and the upcoming Pandora and Groupon IPOs) a new tech bubble is on the way.

Take it from me kiddos. I barely survived bubble 1.0, it knocked me down but not out. So I kinda know what the hell I'm talking about. Also, all of us survivors made a pact and have prayed everyday ever since for 'One more bubble, we promise we won't fuck it up' so, that's why we don't say it is a bubble. Its like mentioning Voldemort in Harry Potter. It's rude. So shut-up.

But anyway, you open your pie hole and argue - Why Uncle?, why is this not a bubble? what makes the difference?

I tell you, shut-up! Asstard. But then I take pity and explain to your young punk ass the reasons why this ain't like 2001 all over again. And its because of:

Metrics Measured - Back in Web 1.0 land, our only metrics revolved around traffic. It was totally Terra-Nova, in the hands of old media (Yahoo, AOL) that advertising was sold as billboards. Literally, we talked about the internet as a highway. Shut up. I'm old.

Google - Before Google forced payment for actual performance, companies were just happy to be providers of eyeballs. Companies raised investor money, only to give 30% of it to Yahoo and AOL. It was a circlejerk of suck. We just didn't know any better. The new Google model basically makes sure that performance can be measured and paid. Engagement. Even the Free tools given work well.

Time - People forget Linked-In has been around for nearly 10 years, Pandora almost as old. Groupon is the exception, but at least real money flows there. (notice I said 'flows', not 'stays') In the bubble days, we saw start to IPO in a year a lot.

Investors - The investment money going into companies is NOT public money (e.g. in the first bubble, IPO was basically your second or third round) now most of the money being used comes from investors. Joe Blow is not risking money (nor is it making any money either) at this point. Even the worst case scenario wont be felt beyond NYC, Seattle and SF

Mobile - Believe it or not, the mobile internet has added 6X value to customers. Why, because back in the AOL days, (metered access, remember?) people subscribed to AOL would be online an average of 6 hours a week! Now the average is 38 hours a week. (and this is a nationwide average) And 40% of that comes from mobile access. Constant access means more time + money dedicated online. A lot more than before.

But, it won't matter, really. The non-existent Bubble will be popped by larger forces at work in our economy. The potential clusterfuck of a partisan fight about increasing the debt ceiling. An unemployment increase, or the European health scare. The good news is people investing *could* afford to wait for a while or to lose it all without too much damage. And, lastly, Greed may be factor # 2. Even with clear metrics that say that Groupon is losing money, people will still throw money at it. So, despite clear signals, people still want to make money. Greed is eternal, bubble or no bubble.

'Thank you God, for this bubble. We won't fuck it up. Promise'.

Mr. Clean tells your mom to get back to work!

2011-05-09T07:24:00.000-07:00

Awesome find from the Jezzie's at Jezebel (via Loving Katie)!

And what did you gave you mom for Mother's day? A new iron? A new apron? A new vacuum?

Hope my mom enjoyed that six pack of scrubbing sponges to wash the dishes. It was a limited edition collection!

Digital Marketing Crimes - Who will be Judge, Jury and Executioner?

2011-03-06T13:07:00.000-08:00

In the digital justice system there is only one side: The Google, who investigates the crime, and The Google who prosecutes, judges and delivers punishment. These are its stories...

Chung-Chung!

Following the discovery and unraveling of JC Penney's latest SEO strategy/debacle , while everyone seems to be unfazed about it, in my mind, I think it has open a Pandora's Box of legal issues in the digital age, that no one seems particularly concerned with. This has been followed by the recent 'adjustment' that has also affected other content sites, most properly, content farms.

So, for those who didn't follow, it was discovered that JC Penney's SEO agency had done some quote-unquote - Dirty SEO tricks, to boost their presence to the number one spot in organic search during the holiday across several keywords. Having been discovered, not by Google, but by another Search agency, Google then took the presented evidence and 'somehow' then punish JC Penney by taking its spot away and apparently placing their SEO way below the first and 2nd pages.

So.... exactly what happened here? Was a crime actually committed? Because certainly the punishment given inflicted severe economic damage... so why doesn't anyone care? If indeed a crime was committed, because one can argue JCP took sales away from other sites that 'followed the rules' then why aren't any charges being brought?

First things first. Google uses an algorithm to rank its search. By its nature, an algorithm its amoral and does not take into account any legal or ethical issues. It is a mathematical model made to organize and score based on a formula that weights certain elements more than others. Since the algorithm is secret, all people can do to try to learn it and use it to their advantage. If the algorithm has been cracked, you build a better one, and the chase starts again. Like counting cards, SEO dirty tricks are not technically illegal, but a Casino can 86'd you if you count cards, is Google then doing something similar? Or worse?

Instead, the punishment given was not as a result of a change in the search ranking formula, as it should've been done, but a manual punishment was inflicted unto JCP. Google didn't suddenly change the formula and as a result, JCP was relegated to the bottom. This was instead just a move in rankings targeting JCP. No math behind it.

There was no 'crime committed' right? and that is exactly the point. Either we codify the rules so that we all understand where the lines are drawn and what the exact price is of going beyond them. Our laws indicate we are innocent until proven guilty. So we have to follow our own principles as we enforce digital 'crimes', no?

Instead we have Google as Victim, Police, Judge, Jury and Executioner. Our own constitution is clear that there cannot be secret laws that, when broken, one can be carried away to prison or worse. So if one company broke the secret algorithm, then the answer in response to that has to be either publicly known and declared as a crime or it simply becomes the wild wild west of digital justice. The punishment has to fit the crime. I don't know if Google's response to JCP will create more economic damage than whatever ill gotten gain they had this holiday. But we will never know.

Sure, the most common answer is: JCP doesnt have to use Google, but with a dominant presence in many places, how is a company supposed to have an alternative similar to it?

Google's response to content farms is more appropriate - a change in the formula to deal with the issue of inaccurate search. And then we start all over again, the mice vs. the designers of the better mouse trap. This should be the most neutral way to deal with these issues. so why does Google solve one problem one way, and something similar a different way?

In the digital world, we need just as much public guidance in terms of what constitutes anti-digital-social behavior (including economic crimes) as our offline behavior is already codified. Instead, we are letting Google be the one managing justice in the digital area, and we are ignoring the consequences in the near future. What will happen when Google objects to an individual? or a country? or another company? Do they get to punish as they see fit? Will our digital future be bereft of laws and become a feudal system?

Then they came to take the porn away, and by then, there was no one left to protest...

Wow. The fuck-up of the year arrived early! MLK Day Edition

2011-01-17T17:54:00.000-08:00

Way to go guys! This is so totally appropriate for MLK Day.

These morons here get the credit: http://site.thaliasurf.com/blog/

Thanks and Credit to MamitaMala's blog!

My 100th Post - The WRECKYs - The marketing fuck-ups of the year 2010

2010-12-04T13:08:00.001-08:00

Hello! Would you like to buy a vowel? On this our 100th Blog Post I say goodbye to the year 2010, so I have time to get more blotto this holiday. Your favorite asshole uncle, DMWrecks brings you another exciting edition of 'The Wreckys' for the year 2010. Our host for the ceremony this year DMX had a conflicting schedule today. And always remember our motto: 'If you are here, you reached rock bottom!'

If you don't remember due to the years of drug and alcohol abuse, last years winners can be found HERE

So without further ado:

Worst Trends of The Year:

The Max Tucker award for Creative Achievement- Sexual hang-ups and misogyny in marketing. What could possibly go wrong? Winner by unanimous decision:

Redundancy Brings Security - This is brilliant. Viprinet is awesome

The 'Pinky and The Brain' award for world dominance: Facebook - Going after the rest of what they don't control. Facebook will soon give its take on TV, Movies and Music.....

The Worst I saw this year: Privacy is gone. Time to pick your master.

The Bishop Magic Don Juan Marketing Excellence award: Classmates.com pimping you and your friends all over Facebook. Bitch, Where's my money??

The Wreckys Lifetime Achievement Award in Blogs: Copyranter. Awesome Blog.

and now,

The much coveted FAIL of the year: Summer's Eve tries to help the working gals get a raise.

In Memoriam: Friend of this blogger, past year recipient of the Wrecky's Lifetime Achievement Award in blogs - David Mills, Blogger, gentleman and a scholar, and author of the awesome blog 'Undercover Black Man' who died this year while working on his new HBO TV series 'Treme' - I'm pourin' a 40 in the ground for your Bro. I miss you. Mourn You Till I Join You!

Congratulations to all our winners! Where's the booze?

Why email continues to build empires

2010-12-03T22:30:00.000-08:00

Whoo Hoo! Bro! Fist-Bump! Whooot! Ice me Bro! Email RULES!

Whether Groupon sells or not, the rise of the '6 imaginary billion dollars' cannot possibly deny that the empire was build upon the back of the ever humble email. Despite the claims that Twitter and Social will replace email. Despite the ever present myth of mobile SMS taking over. Companies like Groupon, LivingSocial and Amazon, continue to sell via emails.

Sure, the evolution of the email has been prodigiously powerful in terms of timing and segmentation, from the mind-blowing segmentation of a travel site to the infinite diversity of a retailer's emails. Not only the quantity has increased. The quality as well. I remember the infancy of the industry, and even back then, the possibilities seemed marvelous.

Groupon runs a fairly solid-yet-basic segmentation. The locality isn't even that well defined, but as a self-declaratory segmentation (e.g. picked by the customer at opt-in point) seems to be a very powerful one. When a customer is allowed to self declare its segments + you overlay more data, you can mint millions. (A good offer is needed too!)

The latest rush in this market reminds me of the initial IPOs of the incipient Online Travel industry back on the Web 1.0 era. For a while there, the online airline sellers of the net seemed to be worth more than the airlines themselves, which made no sense at all. (Travelocity, Orbitz, Travelzoo) and those earlier empires were also build via good-old-fashioned emails.

The mighty Facebook has actually integrated email into their suite, with full knowledge that there is more than personal email, and a way to increase their hold in data (I can picture a world where emails to Facebook can only be evaluated via Facebook analytics, and deny to send any response and behavior info back to the senders.) Perhaps only those who 'Like' a particular official page of a business is allowed to send messages via Facebook.

Hmmm, let me start a company that send you an SMS message and updates your Facebook status to let you know you received an email! I can haz billions?

I keep telling you I'm not paranoid!

2010-11-26T22:35:00.000-08:00

And on this one, I am right.

See here.

The stakes are very, very high. At this rate, Facebook will have more power over Google in 5 years.

Me, working on the Wrecky's! The nominations keep coming.

DM Movie Festival - A Buddhist Take on the Battle of Good and Evil

2010-10-09T18:44:00.000-07:00

A very interesting movie, from the adaptation of one of the best Stephen King books, is 'Needful Things' . What at first glance looks like a classic 'Devil buys your soul' story. In reality it is a deeper meditation of the tenets of Tibetan Buddhism and explores the source of evil and suffering in the world.

As you can see or remember if you watched this movie, is that the evil itself is actually the expression and power we give to material and immaterial needs. The simple joy of acquisition, or to improve oneself, or liberate us from pain and painful memories, its ultimately the driver of evil.

Max Von Sydow performance is great, but sullied and sillied by the exaggerated overtone of making him look evil by looking like the devil. Subtlety was needed in the direction and the script, but Von Sydow's Mr. Gaunt makes a great and subtle elegant impersonation of evil. When he is subtle and charming, he is perfect. At silly-evil-grinnings, not so much.

In this scenario, even the world religions, with their desire to spread the word, (and their physical needs) fall down to this evil. It is above them, since desire is built-in already.

The good guy of the movie, is prime stock for good guy casting mr. Ed Harris. On his entrance (at time 4:15 in the video below) is the guy who, when asked what he needs, is sincere in his response: nothing. And upon hearing this, Mr Gaunt just shrugs and just listens in, looking for weaknesses, no hard sale.

Another actor I liked a lot, was J.T. Walsh, (RIP) and he plays the regular hardass asshole he always plays, but here it gives him depth and performance, you understand the grip vice has over him and he totally sells it. He's certainly the biggest evil driven by the biggest want: Addiction

The Movie is great, but it plays wrong now in some segments, as the entrance of when Mr. Gaunt meets with Bryan, and it sniffs like child abuse about to start, the suicide attempt of Bryan later just makes it that much worse. But it came from an earlier era of King's Stories, before Law & Order: SVU.

Ultimately, the delicate brocade of actions, small favors all, requested as payments for goods sold, amplify the evil and becomes a destructive force all of a sudden. Evil is driven by want and by compromise to a small evil.

One wonders somehow whether us marketers, are somehow already on a side here, as we create the wants. We sell nirvana, as in once you have no needs, you'll be good, but do we create 'evil vibes' by stoking and amplifying our needs. Who Knows? One must toil where one must.

As for me, I know what I want... easy to get, yet it never gets here.

Ancient Tribes and Kingdoms vs. Corporate America - it's all the same!

2010-09-18T10:16:00.000-07:00

Hello kiddies. Pondering yet another DMWrecks 'Big Thoughts' (copyright pending) yes, yes, blame the cheap hooch or the herbal remedies. I don't care. Here we go!

As you probably not know, I spend an enormous amount of time reading about pre-hispanic cultures in Latin America, and ancient cultures in general. I always wonder how will the future (1500-2000 years from now) will see what is left and will they be able to make sense of it all. (I wanted to be an archeologist but didn't. I still want to go to Stanford's Extra-curricular classes that sometimes offer classes in this) With our culture in bytes, not rocks, our knowledge will be lost to time in case of a catastrophe, or perhaps it will be a future Apple upgrade not compatible with anything made before it, including the internet. Ha.

Just as the ancient Mayans and Egyptians did huge works of engineering by building pyramids and temples. And they spent a lot of their time in resources around rewarding their leaders (that sometimes were considered as gods themselves or at least the representatives of whatever gods they worshipped) we do the same now. CEOs push toward conquering other tribes (mergers) and demand their visions be built, regardless of cost and logic. Think about it, the great pyramids, the images of Ramses, the Mayan stelas, were all works of art that devoured a huge amount of natural resources and manpower. Their searches go on and on, like when its time to replace the Dalai Lama.

Where am I going with this? Well, my theory is that in the future, our descendents will think of this era as no different from the early Mayans and Egyptians, they will assume corporations were just tribes and kingdoms, where the CEOs are the tribal leaders, that demanded lots of resources, whether in personal remuneration and/or manpower to enact whatever version of their world is. I firmly believe that future generations will look down at this era, and just as we wonder how a pharaoh managed to built a pyramid by commanding 1,000s of people, they will wonder why we followed our corporate leaders like that. And deep down, I think our tribal structures have never changed from early history, we just keep trading them for different 'tribes'

In our ancient past, the largest structures created were always worship centers and or mortuarial monuments. And this was true up to the 1900's here in America. Now the biggest structures are retail places...When people from the future see the ruins of the Mall of America, Las Vegas, etc... they will assume that those were our temples. That there were massive temples for multiple tribes to worship together by ritualized shopping. Somehow I always think that. I bet they will think our deities were Batman, Elvis, Yoda and our demons Darth Vader, and Klingons.

Corporate America, and for that matter, corporations worldwide are behaving like that. Each tribe has something to trade, and a leader to be followed, other tribes to conquer and go to war with. And alliances are made and broken. And within the tribes there are more subgroups and castes. Really not so different from the early Egyptians, Mayans, etc...

Hmmmm, as long as we dont have to do ceremonial blood letting from the family jewels. I'm down!

When your boss says your work stinks, maybe it meant this!

2010-08-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

Seriously. What were they thinking with this?!?!?... It doesn't matter if it was a man or woman or whatever. This is just wrong and crude. Check this #1 tip to get a raise, if you are a woman:

Yes, number one on the list of "How To Ask For A Raise," is this advice:

It should start with your usual routine and all the things you do to feel your best, including showering with Summer's Eve Feminine Wash or throwing a packet of Summer's Ever Feminine Cleansing Cloths into your bag for a quick freshness pick-me-up during the day.

Now, we laugh at old-tymey Lysol douche ads, which seek to equate vaginal odor with shame and ostracization. But if we take a cue from Summer's Eve, we haven't come very far.

http://jezebel.com/5622968/how-to-ask-for-a-raise-first-wash-your-vagina

Additional points for exploiting the fear of a weak economy. This is quite frankly a stunner in the sense of how deaf it is to its audience. And the implications are hilarious.

Excuse me, I need to take a shower and ummmmm refresh myself....

Source: Jezebel.com

Where talking to the hidden desires of your target market goes too far

2010-07-25T15:43:00.000-07:00

'Redundancy Brings Security' - Someone please give this copy guy a Nobel Prize.

Check it out HERE

Source - gizmodo.com

Hmmm.. I do need some redundancy here.

When succeeding too much leads you astray

2010-07-14T22:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you are a victim of your own success. As reported here by Engadget, Toshiba just ended up pissing off a lot of people, even if, at my jaded eyes, there is nothing necessarily wrong with this promo, but be careful basing promotions on issues that command extreme passion (sports, politics, etc...) because sometimes the unpredictable happens (and direct marketing is based on predictability over anything else) and because passionate people will sometimes not have time to read terms and conditions. As one person who writes 1000's of these things a day, I know the real truth is out there, specifically, at the T&C of any offer. But once again, just as Icarus did, it is possible to fly too high and burn your wings.

Hmmm, how about a promotion where we give 1000 free MP3s the day Justin Bieber cuts his hair? Sounds good?

Credit: Engadget.com

Car Warranty Peddlers: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy

2010-06-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

The usual. Try to act surprised. Car Warranty seller send notifications poorly disguised as DMV notifications. Geez. Nothing to say. We started this blog with one of these

Maybe I can pretend to be a broke bank and get TARP funds with this technique

How Marketing and Social Media Dehumanize Our Selves

2010-06-10T23:04:00.000-07:00

From Maureen Johnson's Blog. A great diatribe on what we are becoming... mini-brands and no longer persons. A strange de-humanization where we don't express our lifes, as they are, instead we develop brands that take over us, and then we have to maintain:

A brief excerpt, go to her awesome blog to see more:

" The more the internet expands, the more people—okay, authors, who are a KIND of people—are being encouraged* to go online and PROMOTE, PROMOTE, PROMOTE! To aid in this endeavor, these poor writers are being shipped off to conferences where they roll out people like me under the guise of being experts on something. And in general, the quality of advice is pretty craptastic. “Get a Facebook page!” “Get lots of people to LIKE you!” “SHOUT THE TITLE OF YOUR BOOK AT PEOPLE UNTIL THEY START CRYING AND BUY IT.” Or, more annoyingly, we experts use the genuine language of community (“Make authentic friends!” “Network!”) to do the same thing, just with a softer sell. But it’s still all about selling."

Go Here to see the rest of the excellent post named Manifesto

Also, Mo Tkacik had noticed this process happening to herself, check it here

Now, excuse me, I gotta a Brand Meeting with some pollsters to review if the DMWrecks brand has more unaided share of mind than AssholeMarketer, StupidMarketingAdvisor, and ParanoidRanter, the other brands I compete against.

The Battleground where Technology Meets Privacy is NOT What You Think

2010-05-20T23:16:00.000-07:00

Another day, another announcement that shifts the battlegrounds of privacy. While people and the media continue to babble about 'privacy settings' the big dogs of tech are playing a more dangerous, winner-take-all-battle. There are ways to escape, but the price for Freedom is annoyance and complexity. Before, freedom demanded blood. Now it demands time and knowledge of complex systems, and the will and strength of a maintaining multi-platform life, perhaps at a social ans economic cost.

Why do I say this? Today's announcement of Google TV marks a new way. The reason behind a system very close to outsiders, with high inter-operability among channels, marks the perfect way to execute powerful surveillance to amass a comprehensive data set of behaviors, reactions and patterns to do very powerful marketing targeting, or something more sinister.

Think about what Google will know about your behavior and persona (this goes way beyond search) if you use Google as a search engine, as a browser (Chrome) as your navigation aid (online on Google maps, offline in cars with Android and GPS systems running on Android), your call pattern and movement (android phone), your work load (Google Docs), Your life schedule (Google Calendar) your hard drive content, (Google Search Desktop), your email (Gmail), Your rantings, (Blogger) your computer usage (Chrome OS) and now GoogleTV will be both the watcher portal, content provider and keeper of your TV habits, on top of the visual data already taken from your video preferences for fun: YouTube.

What do you think can happen when all this info is assembled? Two things:

- Apparent bliss at interoperability. Everything will work with everything else. Possibly giving you a few more seconds of leisure and controlled time after you substract the hours you will need to spend to sort the marketing messages sent to you

- Loss of privacy and free will at the Nth degree. There is nothing left that is not known, Once all the data is integrated and analyzed, a powerful algorithm can predict your life, and in case the actual behavior output differs from the prediction, the outputs the system provides can get you back into the original prediction, without you noticing. A self healing pattern. See Multivac.

Apple just noticed this, and the approach is the same. The same markets mentioned for Google, Apple is now completing. The same goal, which is convenient interoperability with a clean design. You will love how everything works and looks. But no porn please. Even external programs will need to follow the same rules and the same lines.

Facebook wants to build this with a different approach to get the same coverage from the ground up, with a hardware-less plan, instead, it asks you to be the connection itself, to report to a network. Like a node instead of a circuit. Still closed nonetheless.

Microsoft woke up late, but is gaining every day. Don't count them out.

The price of freedom will demand that we continue to keep this at bay by living a multi-platform life. Privacy = multiplatform. Of the Google products I listed, I used 6 of the 20+ or so, Of Apple, three products, (OSX, AppleTV and Ipod nano) a Tivo, 3 windows computers, a windows mobile cell, and a linux based NAS. It all takes time to set up, a lot more to maintain and a lot of time is demanded in exchange for very limited interoperability. Inconvenience and friction. None of the things work with each other seamlessly. However, this is the price of liberty. No system has enough info to predict my behavior, tastes and decisions. However, we will be undone not by greed, not by hate or war, but by our natural predilection for building convenient systems, that by definition take an unpredictable life into a running standard program.

I'm not paranoid. I swear. Shhhhh, they can hear us.

The 4 Horseman of the Marketing Apocalypse

2010-05-09T19:26:00.000-07:00

So, apologies for the long break. I've been busy, otherwise with what seems to be a real job, running the show, holding the fort, defending from attack, survive by all means and being the usual point of all failures, but such is life in this career I've chosen. No need to cry, just pass the tequila.

So, as usual, my mind has been munching on some of our near-future marketing world, where exactly will marketing go from here. Traditional marketing is dead or about to do so, now we have the 4 horsemen of the marketing apocalypse, all ready to destroy and engulf us, and fighting a battle for dominance of the post-apocalyptic world of Marketing:

Google - What do you do?

Facebook - Who are you?

Twitter - What do you say?

Apple - Where are you?

What do you do?

Google is of course, the first one to shake the world of Marketing upside down. This is pure marketing that is modeled after actual behavior. Your search terms and questions, of course. But it doesn't stop there. Your browsing behavior, your email writings, maybe even the contents of your own hard drive. You could be, say, a republican anti-gay stalwart and proud member of many religious and family groups, and look for companionship at rentboy.com, so therefore, Google will now show you the appropriate ads to correspond to what you do. Your behavior is the driver. So, the old world would not have known or care of what you did or looked for. Now it does.

Who are you?

This brings us to the 2nd horseman of the Marketing-as-we-know-it apocalypse. Facebook is now fully intended to sell you and who-you-are simultaneously as both content and target. Your identity, your friends and relationships, what they like and what you claim to like or dislike is now carefully assembled into many algorithms, rules and criterias to serve you ads and have you serve ads to your network. Here, is a bit like the Matrix, your profile is the battery that provides the content that runs the ad world. The less you share, the less valuable you are. The emphasis is less behavioral, but more insidious. The network effect is used to amplify the power and reach of the marketing messages. Maybe you don't really mean or are the person you claim to be in Facebook, but if most of the people in your network do, then it is OK, the target will be reached whether is you or the people around you. Ergo, the privacy battle between Facebook and its users will have only one winner. Here is a hint. It won't be you

What do you say?

The next big source is to track your thinking and what you say in close to real time as possible. This is perhaps the best mix between behavior and person. Twitter, is of course, laying a claim on being the 'neural' system of the net. Your thoughts and your most recent sayings and actions do probably reflect your recent or future behavior. So, the freshest your thoughts are, and the more you provide, the better it is to target you. Here the strategy is coverage and recency. The more you tweet, the more you follow, the more you search within, the stronger the system becomes. Here the ads will have to work twice as hard, where an ad will only be displayed for a very limited amount of time, and therefore, the ones that work will be great.

Where are you?

The last frontier is interesting... because it breaks the 2D dimensionality of online ads and brings it to the real world. Think 'Futurama's' vision of the future internet, but it goes to the real world. Apple is now the most recent horseman and will be fighting here to win (Foursquare is outgunned in this battle, better sell now and fast. Psst, remember Yahoo's has always overspent. Take the easy money and run) . Why Apple? Well, with its most recent devices like the iPad and its entry into the mobile ad network via a careful integration that reduces the risk of lack of content by automatically creating it on the go. Everyone else depends on your input, but here only a minimal is required. Apple has shown that it desires to own the mobility market. (for once Jeff Bezos got out-thinked here) And that now, mobility will equal ads based on location, where the marketing maxim 'location, location, location' will take on a new meaning. Apple will soon dedicate itself to mobile devices, probably even eschewing MacBooks for perhaps more powerful iPads, iPods and iPhones. Soon, any location will be able to recognize you, (via cellphone) and update twitter and Facebook status, however perhaps with a delay to let their ads first. Its free to you and you don't even have to type one character. Its all automatic.

So, to recap, 'Marketing as we knew it' will die soon, perhaps in a year. In the meantime the four horseman of the marketing apocalypse (Google, Facebook, Twitter and Apple) will roam the earth, battling each other until someone comes victorious. This is why each now compete with each other. This is a battle to the death. Remember there was only 1 SKYNET and 1 Matrix. Not 3 or four of each.

This is why I continue to use a Windows phone. Not gonna get me. Its like being the foil hat wearer

Direct Marketing Movie Festival: Sci-fi edition. We're all screwed.

2010-02-27T23:28:00.000-08:00

OK boys and girls, your favorite asshole uncle, DMWrecks just got into the cheap wine again! And you know what that means, don’t you? Mothers, hide your legal-age daughters! Grandmothers, hide your still-sexy daughters too! Here comes yet another digression between Direct marketing and the future of the species. Or something.

So, after watching a couple of sci-fi movies, it occurs to me that some of what we think as the future has already happened (and I’m not talking the obligatory it's-the-future-because-we-have-a-black-president)

So, let’s review, any new technology will, -as a matter of human prime directive- always follow the next 3 questions and steps:

1- Can I kill more people easier with this? (The military industrial complex)

2- Can I use this to get off easier and/or better? (The adult entertainment industrial complex and a few pioneers)

3- Can I use this to sell more of my crap? (The marketing industrial complex)

Once those 3 are covered, the technology will then be distributed to the masses. The internet was first built by DARPA, the high tech-side of the Department of Defense. Robots, on the other hand, have passed to the second stage (since they are nearly weaponized already) to the all-important race to create the first sex bot. I'm telling you, Vivid and Hustler should be investing here. A clear example of number 3 is social networking, now used primarily between human communication, but something rapidly approaching nothing but yet another commercial channel that makes such communications harder and more distracting, not easier.

Our Sci-fi direct movie festival brings us two movies that sucked, yet offer fascinating-yet-plausible visions of the future and the present :

‘Gamer’ is one of those movies whose brief glimpses of the future prove to be more interesting than the movie as a whole. Still, worth the Netflix. Check it out! (Warning: NSFW!)

So, yes, as you can see, the hottest entertainment of this near future are two online games that are televised, a war game called 'Slayers' played with real people (death-row prisoners) and another one named 'Society' a sort of real-life ‘Second life’ where you can buy an ‘actors’ time to do whatever you want in the game. You watch online and control your real, flesh-and-blood avatar, usually to do exactly what your filthy minds are imagining. No more, no less.

So, what the hell does this have to do with direct marketing? Well, in the movie, the inventor of ‘Society’ played by Michael C. Hall said it better: ‘You get paid to be controlled, or you pay to control!’ Simple, right? And the game itself was the intermediary. Making tons of money in the process. What does this sound like?

Right now, affiliate marketing already describes this. Along with Ad-words and Ad-sense. Companies pay for you to advertise in your network/website/blog. You can also advertise your own blog, by also controlling what others are willing to do. A never ending marketing Euroboros. Our publishing content is driven what people search for, and we provide content so that search can find us. Never ending cycle of SEO, SEM. Content for the sake of content is now frowned upon. In the meantime, we all sell or are sold. Therefore, ‘Society’ could very well be a foreseeable, plausible future. In a sense, we already do this all the time.

The other entry to our Sci-fi Direct marketing movie festival is, ‘Surrogates’, featuring Bruce Willis. However, it fails as a movie in the same way ‘Gamer’ did. Giving great glimpses of the future, but the movie is less than the sum of its parts. Yet, the possibility that we will use robotic avatars, remote controlled from our houses to do our jobs and interact is also fascinating-

The most striking thing was the Supreme Court of this future, who allowed the robotic surrogates to have the same rights as their human counterparts/owners. And then I thought: 'if Corporations are already being given the rights of a person in our time, this could totally happen, right?' Am I crazy? no, right?

In any event, the current state of ‘Twitter’ to me represents what is happening in this scene:

Get it? All the participants in this scene are Surrogates! And just like in Twitter, it seems to me we already have so many robo-tweets from robo-accounts, than the balance has been irreparably broken. I think by now over 50% of the accounts do nothing but spit out URLs and sell crap. Unless Twitter creates a way to distinguish real people accounts from robotic ones, (that all the do is spit out URLs for the latest scams), then Twitter will devolve in nothing more than RSS lists of offer URLs. Everyone, from followers to followees will be nothing but robots tweeting each other. No one will care. We’ll move on.

So, it seems not only the speed of tech adoption has accelerated but the times it takes for a technology to devolve from improving human communication to making it more difficult, despite the technology gains. Marketing run amok will make our future worlds a lot less inviting than we thought.

Me? I’m still frakking furious the future in the movie ‘Cherry 3000' hasn’t happened yet! Where da future at?

Happy 170th Anniversary to the Direct Marketing Industry!

2010-02-21T14:20:00.000-08:00

A belated note, perusing today's New York Times, I saw an article about the birth of the direct marketing industry, that on January 10, 1840, England's post service introduced Flat pricing for postage (Regardless of distance) This made it possible for stores and manufacturers to sell via postal mail! What makes this worth mentioning was that, since its inception, scammers and questionable salesfolk jumped on this immediately! The United States, as usual, was at the forefron of this trend.

Here is a quote from the article:

"The same postal reforms that allowed family members and legitimate businesses to get in touch inexpensively also made it possible for cheats to do so, too. In the United States after the Civil War, a guide to New York City estimated that more than 2,000 “swindling establishments” were using the postal system, Mr. Henkin writes in “The Postal Age: The Emergence of Modern Communications in 19th-Century America” (2006).

These operators sent out “tens of thousands of solicitations and at minimal expense,” he writes. “Even a small percentage of replies from eager victims remitting a dollar or just a postage stamp could translate into a major windfall.” "

So, yes, ever since the start, direct marketing has been a powerful tool to be used. For good or evil. Their digital offspring (Facebook fan pages, Twitter posts, email) humbly comes from the original postal letter.

I wonder if Nigerian 408 scammers are celebrating today?

Credit: NYTimes.com

Kick'em when they are down edition: More Dealer Mail!

2010-02-20T18:22:00.000-08:00

So, as usual, this blog knows that there is a special level of hell saved for those in charge of Car Dealership mail campaigns!

So, Toyota owners receive receive this very official looking envelope... what do you think it says? Its a Honda Dealer telling them is a great time to trade their Toyotas!

First of all, this is probably the WORST time to trade a Toyota, if just because those overly worried people already traded theirs. (Geez, cut Toyota a break, they have only made extremely reliable cars for like 50 years, GM sold exploding POS cars and no one cared) So now there are so many trades Toyota's probably lost 15-20% off their value. Telling them this is a great time to trade their toyotas now is certainly deceptive and costly!

Hmmm, I want to trade my car for this money-losing deal! awesome, where do I sign?

Credit: Consumerist.com

Social Media Auto Censorship + Marketing: A Dangerous Future

2010-01-24T15:04:00.000-08:00

Hmmm. Time to get some medicinal herbs and ancient hallucinogens from my ancestors and take a peek at our future [inhales]:

Check this out, Google's Nexus One phone is censoring your comments dictated via Voice to Text. Why does this matter? Well, think about it in terms of advertiser friendliness. Back a couple of years ago, both Ning and Gawker media let their adult content go.

This is not because of lack of an audience (let's not pretend to be naive) but because it is easier to sell your advertising if your content is not 'offensive' and obviously its easier to let go of an audience that provides inconvenient content for Procter & Gamble than to police it or control it.

Now, taken this to the next step, if Twitter and Facebook and Google would like to use your content to sell advertising (which they are already doing) This step at automated censorship is worrisome. Who's to say Facebook or Twitter would not implement a similar policy? Maybe soon your status updates and tweets will also be censored. Or perhaps Bing or Google will not present search results of tweets with cuss words or from users designates as offensive.

Also, I'm sure at some point Twitter will segregate its adult content on its own ghetto and probably those users will have to pay for the privilege as everyone else gets free service (Ebay and Craigslist already did it) or eliminate it completely in the name of advertising dollars? Right now, a place like Twitter its a bit like the wild west, with the whorehouses next to the town library, but i bet that will end soon.

I also appreciate the irony of me using this Google-owned platform for my rantings. Maybe the Google Brain will figure out I am a threat and shut me down. (a-la-Multivac) but who knows? My ramblings may go poof one of these days. I'm not paranoid, it is simply the most likely scenario. At some point, if all our lives are nothing but content used to sell advertising, those of us whose lives aren't advertising friendly will be segregated and/or shunned.

Food for thought. I'm now remembering the old, but awesome and extremely accurate Sci-Fi show 'Max Headroom' where the world was ruled by the 'networks' as content providers. Who were so hungry for content, they started airing peoples dreams, and so desperate to sell ads, they were willing to kill people to advertise more. Ultimately, that is where we are headed. And I don't like it.

People, time to go read Isaac Asimov's story: 'All the troubles in the world'

New Year, Same Trend: Social Media Means You Get Pimped!

2010-01-18T19:42:00.000-08:00

We'll, here we are, the year 2010, and instead of flying cars and sex bots. (Dammit I grew up on visions of 'Cherry 3000' in my tender years!!!) Instead we get 'social media', and now, your content, pics, etc... can be pimped for money. But you ain't getting paid. Welcome our new digital pimps! (Where's my money, beeyotch?)

Now, we have classmates.com with this jewel of privacy:

"To make it easier for old friends—including you!—to reunite, we're coming up with ways to let more people use Classmates from around the Internet without having to visit Classmates.com.

To do that, we're about to start making your public Classmates content available to people using a variety of sites and devices, including Facebook and the iPhone. This content can include your name, photos, community affiliations, and more.

Of course, we care about your privacy as much as we do your ability to catch up with your past. We're updating our privacy policy to make these new features possible, and you're able to opt out."

Check more HERE

See? This is why I legally changed my name to my Porno actor name 'Meli Revolucion'

Also, my friends, some of you have asked what's my new deal and I do have some updates, will catch up soon.

credit: consumerist.com

The Wreckys : The FAILs, fuck-ups and other noteworthy detritus of the year 2009

2009-12-07T19:28:00.000-08:00

Hello! Welcome to another exciting edition of 'The Wreckys' for the year 2010. Our host President Obama had a conflict with some travel plans and award ceremony. I think its a Vibe award or a BET achievement award or something. Anyway, the judges and the crying victims of these marketing campaigns and other stuff have decided the winners! And always remember our motto: 'If you are here, you reached rock bottom!'

So without further ado:

Worst Trend of The Year: Desperation Marketing - Truly a sign of the declining times. Ominous trend I would say

The Max Tucker award for Creative Achievement- Sexual hang-ups and misogyny in marketing. What could possibly go wrong?

The FAIL of the year: How about a warm and cuddly story of the company that kicks you out, then asks for money from you! Microsoft cans your ass, then wants some severance back.

The 'Pinky and The Brain' award for world dominance: The all seeing eye of Google

The Worst I saw this year: The Gift from the Layoff Fairy

The Bishop Magic Don Juan Marketing Excellence award: If you are wondering why your hot sister is selling stuff all over Facebook: So uncomfortably close.

The Wreckys Lifetime Achievement Award in Blogs: Goes to David Mills, Blogger, gentleman and a scholar, and author of the awesome blog 'Undercover Black Man' for providing us a jewel made of Spam.

Bravo!! Thank you to all our winners!

FTC Blogger Disclosure Day! My Dirty Secrets!

2009-12-01T06:56:00.000-08:00

Hello my fellow bloggers! As per the FTC new regulations taking place today, those of us who have widely read blogs (read: the 2 people who clicked in the wrong link at Google search, or Bing) we must disclose any payola, sponsorships, money or sacks of white powder paid for whatever the hell we blog about, so without further ado, let's open the kimono and disclose away! (And read the legal disclosures on the side, please!)

This blog was 'sponsored' or 'supported' as follows:

Costco: For giving me several food samples in many days where I was too broke to buy lunch. Except for the day that little Taiwanese kid took two of the Shrimp WonTons I wanted to try and the sample lady went on break. Fuck You, little greedy kid.
California Unemployment Office: Who gave this blogger some money in exchange for many nights of anxiety and many hassles just to receive unemployment benefits because I have nothing better to do that to call several times a day wondering where the check is
Procter & Gamble: One day I got a free sample of something, like softener or some shit with the newspaper. Yes, I used it. I'm not proud of that.
Charities that sent me stickers in the mail: Came in handy when I was selling my shit on Ebay to survive but I didn't donate because I know that just puts me in more and more lists.
San Francisco Chronicle: Who for some unexplained reason continues to send me the paper 2 days a week, even though I'm sure I canceled my subscription over 6 months ago.
Gawker and Consumerist blogs: For helping my lazy-ass post something, anything. I promise I'll click on one of those humongous Dell ads one of these days
Starbucks: For also food samples to help me fool the hunger and the power to charge my laptop. I knew paying ungodly amounts of money for a cup of coffee would pay off some day.
None of you cheap bastards: Who never click on the Adwords and make me some money. What the hell is your problem? No money? Geez.

Allrighty then. So now you know who butters my toast. (not, not like that you filthy perverts)

See you soon for the "Wreckys" : The Digital/Direct Marketing Failures of the year 2009 have many candidates, but Kanye West has other opinions....

You can fuck up social media marketing too!

2009-11-27T12:04:00.001-08:00

So, yes, sometimes a twitter message's place does matter, multi-platform ideas be damned!

Hope they give'em the chair!

Credit: Gawker.com

Time to Buy Some Crap for The Holidays!

2009-11-18T06:48:00.000-08:00

Long Held (by me) as the best catalog out there for a number of years. Now the venerable and respected SkyMall is approaching Fingerhut-levels of cheesiness and useleness. I blame the fact that now the products are not as carefully picked and the fact that it is no essentially a collection of catalogs from different manufacturers and retailers, no longer having focus on the best and a single voice. Once upon a time, I loved the descriptions and the copy used to be near-exquisite. Now it seems is waiting for the 'Spencer Gifts' section to complete its trip to hell.

Don't Believe me? Check this Jezebel article on what the catalog has for the season:

19 Crappy Gifts from Sky Mall

Honey, look. Sure, I promised you a Lexus, but see, This toilet seat can sing!

credit: jezebel.com

Yet More Desperation Marketing - 3 is a Trend?

2009-10-07T21:56:00.000-07:00

Well, 3 is a trend, right? Yet more desperate moves in Direct Marketing. It is a strange time out there folks.

Men's Retailer Begs for Customers via Direct Mail

Here is a conundrum for the ages? what is the amount of truth your direct marketing should have? It is a very tricky question. How much should you reveal of your current situation? When is a plea OK to do in a message? (from a for-profit enterprise) My take is , the truth should be about the needs that the product will fulfill, because that is as true as it can be for your right target customer. As for your particular situation being shared via your direct mail? Remember, positivity sells, desperation doesn't.

* the exception that proves the rule is the famous Nigerian scam emails

credit" consumerist.com

More Desperation Marketing: The Fake Collection Bill

2009-09-23T19:21:00.000-07:00

More Desperation Marketing! Now its notorious offender Bally Fitness.

Check the story HERE

Once again, here we have another sneaky tactic, a subscription letter in the form of a past-due account, plus it asks for a credit card number! So they can renew your memebership from here to eternity and beyond. Who the hell approves these things? Is there no legal department over there or what?

Jeebus Cripes, I pity the fool who falls for this one. Me? I am so broke, I am an expert in past-due and collection letter marketing. I've also seen the debt settlement offers in the guise of a credit card application. Stay Vigilant folks!

Credit: Consumerist.com

A Gallery of Google and Other Contextual Ad Fuck-Ups

2009-08-22T12:40:00.000-07:00

Quickie post on the fly:

Here is an awesome article with a Gallery of Pictures when Contextual ads go wrong:

Click Here: Gallery of Digital Ad Wrecks

Credit: Sillicon Alley Insider

Klondike Bars: The Official Sponsor Of Your Affair With a 21 year old Babysitter

2009-08-12T22:31:00.000-07:00

As Kanye West said:

So we gonna do everything that Kan like

Heard they'd do anything for a Klondike

Well I'd do anything for a blonde-dike

Well, How about a blonde 21 year-old babysitter? In yet another example of marketing folks working their life issues, traumas, resentments, unrestricted sexual urges and other assorted character shortages, through their marketing, Klondike Bars is bringing us the wholesome new character of 'Khaki Pants Pete' , a middle age dude in what apparently looks like a middle-life crisis. (The game feels like the old 'Larry' Video games series from the mid-80's. Remember Those? Where you tried to get Larry Laid?)

So, if you seen this game, you can move Pete across some situations, involving neglecting your family and making a pass at a young blonde babysitter!

Sure, why not, I mean, its not like near child abuse if the babysitter is over 18th, right? I mean, even Hollywood stars do it, right?

So, let me get this straight, Ice Cream Bars = Trying to hit on the babysitter while your wife is nagging you. Awesome marketing message. Care to explain it to me? WTF? Some creative guys are apparently working their sexual hang-ups via this campaign!

So, gentleman, if you are considering hitting on your young, sane innocent, 21 year old babysitter, make sure you do so while enjoying a wonderful Klondike bar. Because when you fail to get laid with her, and you piss off your wife in the process, you can go to your freezer and grab a Klondike bar instead of a Blonde Dike at a bar!

Hey honey... maybe you can go out with your friends and I'll hire a babysitter to help me, mmmmkay?

Facebook Ads And you! Closer and More Uncomfortable than ever!

2009-07-18T13:08:00.000-07:00

So, there you are, updating your Facebook with whatever happened on your last bowel movement, when suddenly, you see your girlfriend telling you to go to a dating site.... and you wonder, have I've been dumped? You Panic. Maybe the Pajamagram gift you gave her was not cool? well...

No, not really. (Yes the Pajamagram was lame, but this has nothing to do with it) What is going on is that Facebook can use your friends pics on third party ads! Imagine if your Mom tells you to go to a dating site? That'd be weird.

Check this out HERE!

So, as a service to the community, here is how you opt-out of such options:

Opting yourself out of appearing in these ads is a mere half dozen clicks away:

“All you have to do to prevent this is sign in to Facebook and click through to (get ready) -> Settings -> Privacy -> News Feed and Wall -> Facebook Ads -> Appearance in Facebook Ads and click “no one.”
Hmmmm.... here is my lovely 76-year old aunt Helga in a Facebook ad telling me to order some Girls Gone Wild dvds... thanks Auntie! You are the best!

Not only Sex Sells, Misogyny Sells Too!

2009-06-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

OK, so you are a worldwide Alcohol distributor. You want to do one of those cool social media campaigns with the Facebooks and the Twitters, and The Internets and make sure this summer all the underage college kids ask for your brand while on vacation. So they come up with a great idea for a website:

What The Fuck people??? So, seriously this idea was approved? What the hell? This came from a hole in time where the all-guy team from Mad Men in the 1960's got drunk before pitching this idea, and got the client drunk as well to approve it. Plus, on top of it all, your copy has to further degrade the women in the pics with your beauty standards. This isn't humorous or funny. It's just mean.

Dude, who was the copywriter that came up with phrases like 'freckled pile of cellulite' and 'drooping breasts' ? Whoever you are, my friend, let me tell you, you got some issues. Advertising copy is not therapy, even if your cheap-ass employer has no mental healthcare available.

Allrighty then: First contender for the digital marketing FAIL of the year!

Credit: jezebel.com

Change is Coming...to the Blog!

2009-06-08T22:08:00.000-07:00

Hello peeps, gather round the fireplace, your favorite asshole marketing uncle has some news and updates, and no, not a damn thing to do with the iPhone 3GS. Got it?!?!?

Well,.... the good news first, you will be relieved to find out you will not see my beautiful physique dancing around in the street holding a sign for an 'out of business' sale or a Real Estate Ad, and neither will I join that tawdry website you sickos sent me as a job lead. But is ok, its the thought that counts!

So, the efforts to gain employment have finally produced some discernible results. As a good direct marketer, I know everyone cannot resist a good deal, so going well below my ongoing rate, I was able to find what I think is a fairly good opportunity. Still in DM. So now a chance to learn and, (even though everyone says that no one wants to see how the sausages are made) my chance to be the sausage maker has come. It is as ugly as you think. But I plan to enjoy it and learn nonetheless.

Having said that, it also means some changes to the blog, since my new overlords have wayyy too many clients and partnerships that I can count or keep track of, and since it wouldn't be fair to cut slack to some and not to others, most of the FAILs, screwups, fuck-ups, etc.... I keep track of will take a hiatus. Doing so is easier to do when I can keep track of who's who, but no longer.

Also, my new peeps are the sensitive kind, and I don't want to ran afoul of whatever delicate sensitivities I might bump into. My old crew didn't care.

However, other stuff will continue, the News analysis of the future of DM, CRM, etc... the beloved DM Movie Festival, and some of my random thoughts on DM dilemmas encountered everywhere.

Since most of you have the attention of a goldfish on a sugar rush and a eight of meth, and need a summary for your pretty little heads, here's the FAQs:

What the hell is going on? Where are the fuck-ups?

- I finally got a steady check, so the times, they're a'changin' at this blog

Why? What, you don't have the balls to continue?

- I have more than you will ever think, however, I cannot pay the bills with them, so some of the topics will go on hiatus, although what is written, remains. Twitter stays active too, since its all the rage these days.

So, what stays, what goes? Will you ever learn how to write a decent blog?

-Features such as the DM Movie Festival and other random analysis stays, other stuff such as the Fails, the fuck-ups, the errors, the lack-of-QA will no longer be the day to day topic. And, yeah, this blog is good enough for me, if you want quality, click on the damned AdWord links and buy. Maybe then I can go to the Learning Annex one of these days with all the Google cash your broke-ass purchases via my blog will generate. You get what you pay for, got it?

WTF, dude? I love the DM Wrecks. Why now?

As I said, either I am fair or I am not, the new job makes it hard to be fair to every fuck-up, and my new peeps' sensitivities are delicate. So, in the meantime, we play nice in the sandbox.

Peace Out. I'm still here.

What's in a name?

2009-06-06T11:57:00.000-07:00

No matter what online marketers' good intentions are, there's always a gotcha:

So there, make sure your name is not illegal, because you can end up like this lady not being able to get her rewards. Check the story here: Sorry Miss, Your name is Illegal

So be careful of not adding too many such rules on your data capture or print rules, obviously there is always room for error either way.

And a friend pointed out: And if your name isn't illegal, no worries! You won't be left out of the fail. EVERYONE gets to see "Enrollment" spelled wrong.

More news to come about me soon peeps, including the future of this humble blog.

credit: consumerist.com

The Best of The Best (Or the least crappy at least)

2009-05-23T20:39:00.000-07:00

Ok my dear amigos. Your favorite asshole uncle is close to defeat, but shall rise to his feet. The job search continues unabated. Everytime I see the light at the end of the tunnel it turns out to be a train passing over me and fucking up everything again. There may be some changes coming to the blog as well as a result, but in the meantime, enjoy yet another Best-Of-The-Blog posts according to Google analytics and some random drunk dude on crack and meth I showed my Blog to.

Enjoy!

Now please go make me a martini, or two, or three.

800 Ways To Piss Off a Customer: 1-800-FLOWERS

2009-05-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

Jeebus Cripes man! I KNOW Mother's Day is coming up. But really, do I need SEVEN separate emails from 1-800 Flowers in a 3-day span? (and 3 on Saturday night?)

Maybe they are running a test to see just HOW MANY CONSECUTIVE EMAILS DOES IT TAKE TO OPT-OUT!!??!

Plus, to top-it all off, they had the banner AD next to my inbox. Overkill much?

For sanity's comparison, FTD has Only send ONE email during the same time period.

I am a customer of 1-800 flowers, but if they keep the humongous waves of email they can kiss my ass goodbye! I bet the count will reach 40+ before Mother's Day.

To whoever is running the email program, take a chill pill or a medically-prescribed blunt, will ya!

Hey Ma, do you want flowers for mother's day?, or say, groceries for the week, with me being unemployed and all...

Finding Beauty from Viagra: sPamOETRY - by David Mills

2009-04-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

Friend of this blogger, writer extraordinare David Mills (Writer of the TV series 'Kingpin', and writer of 'The Wire' and assorted awesome kinda guy) has had a stroke...of genius and put together a nice poem from Spam subject Lines:

UNTITLED:

(In honor of National Poetry Month, I’ve composed a free verse from actual spam email subject headers.)

Every single chick

will admire your stick.

Women won’t hide their excitement

when they see your

bulge

in the street.

Launch your love spaceship

Your will have such a biggie pride

it will be enough

even to divide.

Check it out here:

http://undercoverblackman.blogspot.com/2009/04/spamoetry.html

Direct Marketing Film Festival: Oh God! Part II - Mystical Results

2009-04-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

Yes, You thought I was drunk and/or high again. I'm not telling you if you were right. Let's just say I have enough coherence today to crank out another entry on a fan favorite: The Direct Marketing Film Festival

So, let's talk about this little movie, and what has been sometimes the bane of many direct marketers, which is the whole 'Word of Mouth' concept and how it works/doesn't work.

For those who didn't watch the movie, basically it boils down to God (played by a wonderful George Burns) having to ask the daughter of a marketing executive to do a marketing campaign for God. The slogan : 'Think God' then takes off in the world, with predictable consequencesthat follow later (commercialism, plagiarism, satires, etc...). Enjoy the clip above. Check the movie out on a lazy day.

The topic here is the mythical power of 'word of mouth' and how to measure it for direct marketing. Many times in my career I've have rolled my eyes when a marketing executive wants to attribute more sales to a campaign and attribute then to some mystical 'aura effect' or'Halo effect' or 'Word of mouth' to a direct campaign, with nary any evidence.

So, after many years, I will say, yes it does exist, but no, you shouldn't add 'auras' or 'word of mouths' to your direct results without a good reason to do so! And yes, it requires hard work. Here are a three 'justified' ways to get you there:

You survey customers right after a direct campaign (those who purchased) and ask them if they did receive your DM, if the number of yes responders is HIGHER than your recorded response rate, OK, go for it.
You constantly do match-backs from your target list to your buyer/responder list and they consistently come up higher than your tracked response rate when the message was out. (means they got your message, but didn't use your offer) Be reasonable here, your tracked time period should be one or two weeks tops!
You held a control cell of people who did NOT receive the targeted message, but maybe did receive other marketing advertising. You match back to your tracked buyer list and a significant number don't match. (means you didn't target them, but they used the targeted offer anyway) so yes, go for it.

Other than these 3 proven ways, go ahead and roll your eyes when a VP demands to add more response, or forecast a crazy high number based on 'Word of Mouth'. Does it exist? yes, but proving so to a reasonable degree requires quite a bit of work. Adding response to your forecast based on 'word of mouth' with no proof??? Trust me, not even GOD can make that make sense.

' Sure boss! I'm sure our campaign response will be 4x as a result of that Super Bowl commercial with the big-breasted skanks.' Can I have my bonus in advance then?'

Desperation Direct Marketing - Desperate Times

2009-03-19T17:47:00.000-07:00

Suppose you find this in your car's windshield:

So, you call thinking you were hit or something worse, instead you get a pitch to TRADE YOUR CAR IN!! Jeebus Cripes, this is near the bottom of the barrel for direct marketing. This is worse than those 'I need your used car letter' I ranted about the start of this blog.

Desperate Times, Desperate Measures.

Check it out HERE!

Hmmm...Maybe I need to use such technique by leaving my resume in windshields too!

Source: consumerist.com

The Rise of the 'Intern' Labor Market in Marketing

2009-03-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

Usually I try not to rant from a personal POV in this blog. However, Today I make an exception as I would like to put my Nostradamus hat and predict an upcoming flurry or Marketing Wrecks as the job market goes to places where it shouldn't go during these fucked-up economic times.

Well, after a few weeks on the search for a job that doesn't involve meth sales, prostitution, or dancing with a sign on the streets, I have noticed that this is an AWESOME job market if you are a student looking for an internship. Otherwise, please go back to the planet you came from.

This is no joke. Looking for jobs in Craigslist in my area, it seems that 1 out of 4 jobs in marketing are 'internships'... first of all, who goes to college full time and and starts their intership in February? It doesn't make sense. Second, apparently ALL marketing jobs can be done via interns...P.R., SEO, SEM, Affiliate Marketing, Social Media, Video production, Email Marketing, Online Marketing and Product management. Maybe Intern VPs and Intern CEOs aren't far behind.

What does this mean, in a few words?

Businesses have cut 'muscle and fat' all together. Like losing weight by cutting your own legs, they are now understaffed for basic work.
Also, the nature of the work gets devalued. If a job that used to be close to manager-level is now farmed to an intern, when the job 'comes back' it will be at an entry level, therefore, the future is more uncertain.
Experience and knowledge walks out the door. Now where most of our insights are placed via email comjmunications, when was the last time you started your job by reading emails from your predecessor? Exactly. We discard inboxes and assume the knowledge stays somewhere when the person is out.
Interns, by their nature, will make mistakes, that is the whole point of learning, however, this leaves companies open to an upcoming wave of mistakes.
Long-term damages will result as of this. More likely, it is an attempt to get cheap labor, however, even for the interns themselves, there will likely be less of a chance to stay at that workplace full-time, instead, we will have a revolving door of interns for a while.

Hey, nothing wrong with having the kids get experience, however, if you decide your marketing will rely on internship labor for a while, be ready to spend the time instead of money, and trust me, time is even more scarce than money. So pick your poison carefully.

Timing is Everything

2009-03-02T10:33:00.000-08:00

Travel Back In Time to Redeem this ACE hardware offer

Very small wreck here, usually handled by letting the stores accept coupons slightly out of date. However, savvy marketers know that these types of offers require to be delivered at least 3-4 days before the announced sale. One cannot rely on third party servers to deliver on time, it is a very common occurence that everyone should be aware of.

This one smells as 'last-day-of-the-month' last-minute email to make the numbers.

Yeah, still on the job hunt! Send me whatever comes your way for a job, will ya?

Microsoft, just WTF is WRONG with You? The FAIL of 2009

2009-02-22T22:13:00.000-08:00

Seriously, Microsoft? You mean, you will go broke and need a Chrysler-sized bailout if the employees you laid-off and overpaid will NOT return their money?

See HERE for the complete story.

Its a liiiiittle early to nominate the worst piece of mail in 2009, but I gather the winner is here. As someone who has also been laid off, this is beyond belief and taste.

Anyone disagree?

Source: TechCrunch via Gizmodo.

As usual, I'm ALWAYS right, bitches! Google is Evil

2009-02-16T20:09:00.000-08:00

So, remember my November 'extended digression' into Google G1 phone taking over the world, 'Minority Report' style?, you don't?. Jeebus Cripes, do I have to do everything around here, you morons?!?. Click here to remember.

So, yeah I was right, Google has taken the next step with Google location services, tied to you cell phone. Once again, no need to scan your iris when your cell phone is less invasive and more rich in information than your coked-up, alcohol-abused, TV-Trivia crammed brains.

Check what the NYT says here

An excerpt:

On its face, Google’s new service — available on dozens of mobile systems — is simply a way for friends to keep track of one another and meet up, for families to stay in touch or for parents to find comfort in knowing where their children are.

But it will generate a gold mine of new information about where millions of people travel each day, and there is no doubt that Google and others are planning to dig in that mine. “Everyone is watching Google, and this will open a floodgate of location-oriented applications and services,” said Greg Skibiski, the chief executive of Sense Networks, a New York City firm that mines the millions of digital trails left by cellphone users for marketing purposes.

So basically, I think the next step is for google to buy Clear Channel Communications (or perhaps another smaller billboard company) with control of smaller billboards (poster size) or test this in Movie theathers. Imagine, you walk to a poster, poster reads your cell, finds out you really like Farrelly Brothers' movies. then voila! Here is a poster ad for "Farts of my Fathers" coming soon in summer 2010. Or in a classier scenario, the airport ads read your cell and show you ads of your upcoming destination! (Bunny Ranch at 20% off, hmmm, sounds interesting)

Once we embed cellphones under our skin, we're all set, people!! Brave new world!

One fallen hero or villain can always market something

2009-02-09T09:45:00.000-08:00

Someone's fallen hero can always be someone else's spokesman! This whole brouhaha over Michael Phelps has proven a few true things in sponsorship marketing:

If you are valuable enough as a spokesman, you will be kept despite what you did.
Corollary: BUT, if you are a minority, your faux-pas would not be forgiven (see Chris Brown and Doublemint this morning)
Someone will always be in the lookout for a famous or semi-famous spokesman. Even Gary Coleman can find employment these days.
Michael Phelps could probably smoke crack, dope, while driving and crashing into a bus full of Kindergardeners, and he will still be OK.

Pass the dutchie, will you Mike?

The latest diet campaign 'Obey' - When 20-somethings are in charge

2009-02-05T11:20:00.000-08:00

So, we all have been inundated by those new diet ads and Google Ad-Words for the 'Obey', 'Obey-1 rule' etc... I guess no one else remember's the classic 80's sci-fi movie 'They Live' (A movie, BTW, that should've been selected on my DM Movie Festival) Seriously? No one? I guess now that 20-somethings are in charge no one has told them what happen in the 80's. Hey guys? Talk to the old folks every once in a while, OK?

If you re-watch the movie now, you will see its even more eerie with the economic situation right now.

I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum.

So, The Layoff Fairy Came and Put a Severance Package Under My Pillow

2009-01-20T12:29:00.001-08:00

Hmm. I guess I wasn't planning on watching Obama's inauguration via the Starbucks where I am spending some mornings looking for work. That's right kiddies, your favorite asshole uncle, DM Wrecker has joined in solidarity with all the unemployed.

So, right now I am reading those masterpieces of Marketing/HR copy that makes my layoff letter be both a masterpiece of dull, emotionless copy while at the same time answering no questions, nor does it help you feel anything. Copy as flavorless anesthetic:

My Favorite Terms:

Organizational Realignment or Organizational Re-design: What, did Frank Gehry came and re-draw our business plan? Was the company mis-aligned? Did the earth rotate and the building no longers point to the right constellation?

Impacted: Once again, passive voice. What the hell? Impacted sounds like 'an asteroid impacted one of Jupiter's moons' The correct form is eliminated.

Released: What? Why I am being released? What if I don't want to? Like the old geezer who got let out in 'Shawshank Redemption', I am used to the life in the slammer.

So, for the time being, I will post erratically (not, not because I am drunk, but good guess!) but keep me company, will ya?

President Obama's Inaguration Speech - Inspired by Another President

2009-01-09T09:29:00.000-08:00

OK, so to save money, Obama's decided to let go his speechwriters and used existing speeches. Do you know which president the speech below comes from?

Music Starts.

Congress applauds.

President Obama: Shut Up. Sit your monkey ass down. Chill out.
President Obama: Sheeeit!

President Obama:I know shit's bad right now with all that starvin' bullshit. And the dust storms. And we runnin' out of french fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution.~
John Boehner: That's what you said last time, Dipshit!
Thad Cochran: I got a solution. You are a dick!
President Obama: [gets an AK-47 out, shoots the ceiling, Everybody gets quiet] THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!
President Obama: Now I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now. But I've got a 3 point plan that's going to fix EVERYTHING.
Nancy Pelosi: Break it down, Obama!
President Obama: Number 1: We've got this guy Tim Geithner. Number 2: He's got a higher IQ than ANY MAN ALIVE. and Number 3: He's going to fix EVERYTHING.
President Obama: I give you my word as president!!!

What a Sad Holiday Season. It's Carnage Out There!

2009-01-08T08:24:00.000-08:00

Even poor Santa got laid off, apparently. Jeebus Cripes man!!! Looking at my email inbox, is desperation time out there for many retailers. I'm still getting 80% off clearance deals all over the place. This holiday was tough for me too! Probably spend 30% of what I had spent last year. That's why Larry Flynt is lobbying for a Bailout of one of the USA's most important industries.

See Here and Here . It sucks balls right now, bad.

Santa says, 'Sheeeit, man, you got a light? Spare a buck? '

Massive Mailing Fuck Up at The Army

2009-01-07T21:19:00.000-08:00

Seriously people. Some letters should be QA'd ONE BY ONE.

See HERE

Its very sad that it has come to the point that these letters to the families of those dead soldiers are so many, they are created via mass mailing.

Sad. No Words, No Snark.

My Heart Grew Three Times Larger This Week

2008-12-30T09:59:00.001-08:00

Sure, I spend my time reviewing and critizing screw ups. I'm like the Grinch in a bad mood with PMS and PTSD. However, every once in a while, I reach to help my fellow marketers. Chad from the Retail Email Blog has tweeted an excellent link from the AWeber communications blog regarding how to properly apologize and fix an screw-up.

Read the whole article HERE. It is VERY well done.

In Summary:

Lessons: What To Do When Segmentation Goes Wrong

Decide Whether To Do Anything.
Yes, mis-segmentation is bad. But does sending a “correction” email make it better? If not, does any email make it better?
If not, you may be better off not sending one at all, and just moving on.
Fess Up.
If subscribers are aware that something’s amiss (even if they’re not quite sure what), own up to what happened.
Remember, you’re trying to build a relationship with subscribers. You need their trust. Honesty goes a long way toward getting it.
Make Lemonade.
Look for opportunities to turn your mistake into everyone’s gain.

Anatomy of a Sex-Crazed Commercial - Pajamagrams

2008-12-22T08:02:00.000-08:00

Awesome, The peeps at Jezebel have done an OUTSTANDING job of carefully analyzing the Pajamagram's Direct-to-customer commercial. Seriously, Kudos!

Gotta Love this line:

3.) Doesn't she expect little from you anyway? Chances are, if you're even considering this purchase, you probably haven't set the bar very high, in terms of what she thinks you're capable of providing — emotionally, romantically, financially, or otherwise — so really, you can't lose!

See the whole thing here, and thank me later. Hope you have it ordered already loser! Or you ain't getting laid this Christmas!

Credit: Jezebel.com

Be More Productive! Send Your Emails While Asleep!

2008-12-17T09:43:00.001-08:00

Awesome! Now it is possible to write emails while sleepwalking! When my boss hears about this, we will be forced to send emails while sleeping.Productivity will go up! Sales too! OMG!

Hmmm. On second thought... Maybe this has been going for a while....Most of the ones I get look like they were written by sleeping marketers on an Ambien-Weed-Vodka-Mescaline bender gone wrong.

Doctors have reported the first ever case of someone using the internet while asleep, after a sleeping woman sent emails to people asking them over for drinks and caviar.

Check it out! HERE

Now let me make sure my laptop is on next to my bed while I go to sleep tonight...

Credit: telegraph.co.uk. Photo: GETTY

This Stupid LOLCat Has Actually Captured My Feelings

2008-12-12T10:04:00.001-08:00

I fucking hate these things, but every once in a while, they do capture my thoughts pretty well. I'm exhausted this week. So, this is all I have today! Cheers!

The Email FAIL Award of the Year goes to: GMAIL!

2008-12-09T08:42:00.000-08:00

The envelope, please: The 2008 Email FAIL award winner is..... Gmail!

I am SURE I am not the only email marketer who has to deal with Gmail's byzantine renderings of HTML coded emails. How is it possible than an email that looks error-free in Yahoo, Hotmail, AOL, Firefox, Safari, Outlook, etc... always ends up looking bizarre in Gmail???? Dude, I cannot tell you how many hours of my fucking life I am QA'ing emails that for some reason look all wrong on Gmail.

I get a lot of screwed up emails via Gmail. I usually don't post them b/c I know I have battled this dragon myself and I keep losing the battle.

Dear GMail engineers, please fix your shit to follow the rest of the world, will ya? Congrats on the award. You Suck!

Business Plan FAIL of the Week: Everywun

2008-12-05T15:05:00.000-08:00

Save the world by sitting in your ass clicking on shit. Its like magic!

1) Register and tell us your cause

2) Put a 'badge' on your favorite social networking (read: Site you use to troll to get laid)

3) Advertisers will then give us money to donate to your cause. Check it out, if a 100,000 people join, Everywun will donate $100,000 to charities! Imagine you can save the world with a $1 when your charity of 'Association for The Care of Hot Single Moms' is one of 100,000 charities!

4)Magical advertising money will keep coming because you will click on the badge and see some AdWords or something. See? the Bailout is working!

Tell you what, send me the dollar instead, OK? Get of your ass and if you cannot donate real $$$ then donate your time volunteering.

Credit- Valleywag.com

Walmart Says: NO LAMP FOR YOU!

2008-12-02T15:05:00.000-08:00

Wassup peeps? Trying to catch up with work stuff here.

So, you tried stimulating the economy by buying some stuff this weekend, but Wal-Mart had other ideas:

Go get your lamp somewhere else, bitches!!! Wal-mart doesn't want your stupid money anyway.

Credit- Consumerist.com

Go Buy Some Shit and Help the Economy if you can, plz!

2008-11-25T13:33:00.000-08:00

Hey peeps! I am back from my trip. I'd rather had stayed there, where the world ain't coming to an end and the beer is cheap and plentiful as the good Lord intended. But, had to come back to see you all. However, its thanksgiving weekend! So I am thankful for...... (wait, I'm sure I can think of something)

Check the deals out there. Crazy, I tells ya! Have a happy turkey day. See you next week.

Picture Credit: DavidPeterson, Gizmodo Photoshop Contest

Speak Welsh? Then You'll know what it says here

2008-11-18T05:23:00.000-08:00

If you speak Welsh, then you'll know why I'm using this pic. If you don't, click here to get the Joke. Beware to those using translators overseas.

Salvatore from Mad Men probably worked on this creative

2008-11-14T06:45:00.000-08:00

I'm Still Out, but I leave you this. Am I right or what? The pitch at Sterling Cooper for this must've been awesome.

Best of The Best- Reader's Choice

2008-11-11T07:03:00.000-08:00

OK folks, if you are reading this and all is going according to plan, I am traveling in the pacific. So since I can't post and you must miss the hell out of me, here are the best articles according to my readership and according to Google Analytics. Enjoy!

I miss you guys. Do you miss me?

Where the hell am I? If all goes according to Plan...

2008-11-07T16:30:00.000-08:00

If all goes according to my nefarious plans, I should be facing this landscape at some time in the next few days. Your beloved asshole marketing guy, DM Wrecker, has decided to take a much deserved break in the beaches of the Pacific rim, somewhere in Asia, right after getting some work done in there as well. No DM fuck-ups this week, though I've left the blog with some robo-posts to get you through the next few days while I'm gone. Stop crying and take it like a man. I'll be back before Obama gets his fucking puppy, OK?

Hopefully the marketers of the world can get their shit together and not fuck-up for a few days while I'm gone. You think? Though feel free to email me whatever you get that went wrong as well.

Peace out Bitches!!!

Email FAIL of the week: You are just a faceless entity at JetBlue

2008-11-06T09:11:00.001-08:00

JetBlue owns the FAIL of the week. I guess you are just not that special for them, Mr. SoandSo. Say hi to John Doe for me and the blahblahblah family while you fly.

Hey Peeps. Sorry for the lack of posts this week. Still very busy before my trip to the Pacific. I will however leave some posts to keep you company while I am gone.

Credit- consumerist.com

Ur Logo and Name - Ur Doin it Rong!!!

2008-11-04T04:31:00.000-08:00

Nothing like the warm fuzzy feeling that if I send my resume through this service it will end up in the 'bucket'. Where said bucket looks like a trashcan. Specially in a tight job market economy.

Dear ResumeBucket, was 'ResumeTrashCan.com' taken? Really? You guys need a new name and a new logo, like yesterday.

Love

DM Wrecker

FAIL of the Week: Even Facebook Fucks Up Too!

2008-11-03T06:51:00.000-08:00

So, Apparently, the mighty 15 Billion dollar company Facebook cannot get their shit together for simple online marketing.

See Here

Apparently, UK ads targeting teenagers are basically showing up across the globe. But I don't feel so bad for this. Even Google AdWords fucks up too every once in a while (It has happened in this blog too, when one week AdWords decided my Blog was like the best place for Honda Accord ads in PORTUGUESE!) Last I checked, I'm not that popular in Portugal just yet!!

Speaking of 'Do Not Evil', how come the geniuses at Google cannot add an opt-in function to POLITICAL BANNER ADS!! The Prop 8 stuff is bugging me.

Anyway, one of these days, I'll make it to facebook. I swear.

Marketing for a Good Cause - Gimmick or Not?

2008-10-31T08:39:00.001-07:00

I sell products, not advertising. - Don Draper

Still busy this week peeps. Will be gone in a few days to the Pacific Rim, so I gotta finish a bunch of stuff.

In the meantime, here is an interesting topic. Is 'Cause Marketing' a gimmick to sell more stuff, or truly a way to help a specific cause? Does it make a difference to you if AMEX or Target gives 1% of revenues to a cause or a foundation? Does it make people feel better since they may not contribute themselves to a cause? Is Cause Marketing just another sales tool? Is it even needed? I mean, everyone hates ExxonMobil, yet the do some mad profits, hippie feelings of zen and peace be damned.

Here's a link to Gawker discussing the issue this morning. Some P&G head marketing dude had a 'come to Jesus' moment regarding advertising.

The cynical side of me says that this approach has no better intentions than to sell more stuff. If it gives you a warm-fuzzy feeling that you are saving the whales by shopping at JC Penney, then so be it. The best charity is the anonymous kind (says so in the Bible, right?) so to me, I've never bought the corporate Kool-Aid for this issue. How about you?

Credit- Gawker, [WSJ; pic via]

Hmm, Maybe instead I'll get a costume from the 'Hustle & Flow' movie

2008-10-29T11:14:00.000-07:00

Mom, mom!!! Can I be a Pirate Wench for Halloween? Someone forgot to tell Spirit that not because you see whores in Disney movies it makes it OK for your daughter to dress like one. I guess we all should be glad that there are no costumes inspired from 'Zack and Miri make a Porno' yet.

We are n ur webzitez, placing porny adz

2008-10-24T16:42:00.000-07:00

Imagine the surprise a few folks encountered when Ebay's ads started to show ads for penile-enhancement. Check the controversy here.

Ultimately, it turns out there is malware out there that REPLACES ads you see in other sites for, shall we say, less than wholesome advertising. I'm not a prude but it is annoying, besides, its not like Ebay doesn't already sell plenty of stuff like this in their auctions.

Now let me get my measuring tape and figure if I need this stuff.

Credit- Valleywag.com

So Wrong but So Funny : Cash4Gold

2008-10-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

So, I call Neel Kashkari, and the plan to bail out the economy has just changed slightly It goes like this: Flava Flav falls asleep after a threesome with Pumkin and Hotlanta, then we do what the ad says and we can totally bail this bitch out!

Awesome, Huh??? Now let me get the pliers and let's go visit grandma kids!

Email FAIL of The Week: Kirkwood Resort

2008-10-22T15:38:00.000-07:00

OK, gather round B2C marketing people. Daddy has to tell you yet again that you do NOT email your consumer list asking for emails to be forwarded to HR and/or registration info. That is a fuck-up of major proportions. No matter how good intentioned this is. C'mon Kirkwood!! I bet you already have a healthy list of companies' contacts. This is the WRONG way to do B2B marketing. Why the hell are you doing this??

Besides, the last thing people want to hear from their employers right now is H.R. people. If you want to build a B2B list, do it the proper way. Special fuckage points for asking people to 'take matters into their own hands' and represent their companies.... uh, that shit will get you canned in a second.

We know where you are. You cannot run, You cannot hide

2008-10-21T16:39:00.001-07:00

Busy today, so I'll just leave you with this new thang, where ads in buses will change depending on GPS coordinates. My guess is that when they go by my 'hood they will advertise blow & hookers. mmmm! Two great tastes that go great together.

Check it out HERE

DM Movie Festival- Glengarry Glenn Ross

2008-10-20T15:39:00.000-07:00

Wow. This is a great movie that simply could NOT exist in this day and age. That is a very weird thing, since good scripts by their nature are almost eternal. I say this with a sigh of relief that you could not remake this movie in the present time. Just like some movies could not happen if people had cellphones, this one could not happen if the office had better technology.

This is one of the few movies no one will argue about being entirely driven by Direct Marketing needs.

David Mamet mentioned he was inspired by working at an actual real estate firm. I don't doubt it for a minute. Each of the things one sees did probably happen in the 80's. I really doubt anything like this would have happened after 1996.

After all is said and done, Glengarry Glenn Ross is nothing but a movie about ... Lead management! The entire drama is driven by marketing records Every single problem the office had came effectively from very badly done Lead Management. You have:

Unequal distribution leads
Unqualified Leads
Used Leads
Lack of security measures regarding records and leads
Unrealistic expectations from sales records
Salesmen passing along bad leads back and forth with each other

Seriously, if the office had a system such as salesforce.com, ACT, clickpoint etc... there would be no movie. Nowadays each marketing lead is preciously scored, accurately projected, correctly assigned and ultimately, filed with care and a status post-contact. Even basic lead management software will do all these things.

The lesson of the story: If you want your business to avoid this drama, then do some basic lead management.

In the meantime, enjoy this clip and remember: Coffee is for Closers!!

We are all obsolete now! - RoboBlogger

2008-10-14T13:47:00.000-07:00

I guess we will all need to stop this blogging nonsense!

Meet RoboBlogger - He can do a better blog than you, less typos too!

I guess we are all safe until the damn thing learns how to do twitter too!! Then we are all doomed!

Photo credit- Engadget

Obama crosses the last (marketing) frontier!

2008-10-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

Yes indeed! Now Obama has begun to advertise IN VIDEO GAMES!

Another first time ever. This bold action has given Obama a lead of +18% over McCain for the Xbox-player-stoner segment. (uhh, dude, like... the election was today? I sooo totally forgot. I totally did finish Gran Turismo, though. puff, puff pass and hand me the control)

Photo credit of game: RVB

The Fakeness Part II- Revenge of the Dating Sites

2008-10-10T08:26:00.000-07:00

Part II of our previously posted bullshit peddled by online dating sites:

http://dmwrecks.blogspot.com/2008/09/fakeness-opposite-of-truthiness.html

A few people emailed me to say that it wasn't true that online dating sites create fake profiles, and send fake emails to real people to keep them around. Suuure.

It's like the Matrix, where everything is fake except your dumbass belief that, 'maybe I'll stick around one more month at this site, because a hottie email me that one time. Too bad she lived in Wasilla, AK and I live in Miami. '

Don't believe me, huh? Click HERE to see what a poor marketing intern at an unnamed video online dating site has to do. (accurately called 'emotional prostitution) but I guess is also pretty damn exploitative to make people believe that someone is interested when they are not.

The Fakeness!

Google Ads and Maps: Be Careful what you search for!

2008-10-10T04:39:00.000-07:00

I looked up douchebags and Google maps showed your address! Strange, huh?

Check what the gang a Gizmodo found out when searching for Retirement Homes!

Hmmm. The mind boggles. See kids, that is why we need an incognito mode when searching. Now stop typing 'hookers' in Google Maps, Timmy!!

Holiday Time! Hope your $60,000 budget is ready

2008-10-09T10:00:00.001-07:00

So what are you getting for the family? The Holidays are coming!

Tough times, huh? How about something cheap from the Neiman Marcus 2008 Holiday Catalog?

Jeebus Cripes people! just WTF are retailers thinking? Even if in the real world of catalogs it means the contents of this book had to be prepared in advance about 12 to 9 months at least, you cannot tell me with a straight face that 9 months ago the economy was not faltering.

A $60,000 Lego replica of you?? Shit. For $60K I'll cook a fucking clone of you at a Tijuana lab.

You know, I remember this documentary that showed a Mayan offering to the King of a kingdom. It consisted of creating a wonderful mosaic made of Gold and Jade, for no other purpose than to bury it after having it shown. And the Mayan empire perished most likely because it didn't manage their resources at all. Sometimes, I feel that we do stupid shit like that just because we have the money.

Finally- A Twitter Provided Solution for Spam

2008-10-07T08:41:00.000-07:00

All I can say is YES! THANKS! Here it is From the peeps at Twitter:

Howdy!

Thanks for reporting spam- we’re working really hard on getting rid of it! Did you know: you can now easily report spam directly from your Twitter account? Visit:

http://twitter.com/spam

and follow the account. You can then send:

* a direct message to @spam: @moneybagsnow is a spammer!
* a direct message from your phone using d+ username + message: d spam @carmoney, @cashnow is spam!
* a reply to @spam like so: @spam this is a spam account: @bigmoney5

and we’ll take care of it. You can send as many spam user names as will fit in one direct message or @reply as long as they are designated like this: @crystal.

Note: it’s better to send a direct message over an @reply. Direct messaging keeps @replies reporting spam out of your followers’ time lines. Sending direct messages also keeps the spam account’s user name out of all search results. Because the message is private, you prevent them from benefitting from publicity. Thanks again for helping us track down spammers!

Twitter Support Team

Open Call- Featured Blog Guest for October!

2008-10-06T14:16:00.000-07:00

Per popular demand...Want to be the special guest of the blog for the month of October? Have a great story of direct marketing gone wrong? (email, mail, TV, ad, etc...) Give it a try! Twit me your summary for a blog post. And if you get chosen, we have $100 bucks (cold hard cash) for you to be the guest blogger of the month. (400-600 word post and a pic) and we'll do these ones for this month and December as well.

Online Targeted Advertising: Ur Doin it Rong!

2008-10-03T13:38:00.001-07:00

I guess the almighty online advertising engine cannot figure out that this is NOT a great time for selling mortgages on the web. This kinda shit can happen. Not Cool Guys.

Mortgage ads next to articles of folks commiting suicide because they are on foreclosure??? I'm not even going to do a snarky joke. (Not even gonna say how much I hate those dancing ads from these people)

Dear 'Lower My Bills' guys, you fucked it up. EPIC FAIL. Get your online ad vendor to fix this.

Credit - valleywag.com

The evolution of the shutdown message

2008-10-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

These are sad times folks, Let's track the evolution of the going-out-of-business announcement

First your company announced going out of business via your P.R. reps and the newspaper

Then it became your Web home page

Then it was done via email

Then it was done via the founders' blogs

Then it was done via cell phone text message

And now technological advancements of the 21st century have made possible to announce you are going out of business via... Twitter.

DM Movie Festival - Minority Report - Why aren't we here yet?

2008-10-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

Or 'How Google will run the world thanks to the G1 Phone':

The second entry on our Direct marketing movie festival is the Tom Cruise starred, sci-fi movie 'Minority Report'. For those of you living under a rock, or completed your Jail sentence this week or Nigerian 419 nationals who actually convinced someone to send you $$$ and then immigrated to the U.S. here is a summary:

This 2002 movie, directed by Spielberg (on a good day it seems) based on a Philip K. Dick story in 2054, where the police department uses some psychics-in-a-tube call 'precogs' to stop crime before it happens. It also features some scenes where direct marketing has evolved to the point it is possible to have a 1-on-1 experience with any ads in the street. Here is the scene that made many marketers cream their pants in excitement:

The main question is, why aren't we here yet. or Are we? Well, search engine marketing is the protozoaic (look it up, dammit!) version of this. Your searches determine what ads you are served. We have also seen some web analytic companies trying to guess your sex from your web searches and browsing history (I guess the incredible complex algorythm programming went like this "Porn = 'male', else = 'Female')

However, we are making slow but determined steps to this new world. Face Image technology might not do 100% accurate matching, but it is getting reliable enough to determine sex based on picture ('cept for a recent Michael Jackson picture and that lady with the face of a cat). Here is a report on what will the next step be when display marketing meets direct marketing:

BusinessWeek reported about Aroma Espresso Bars. A digital display is located next to the register. If you order a coffee, and ad for a croissant appears. Even better, you can hook it up to the inventory management and display a 80% off sale on the stale cookies that have been there for 3 days. Awesome. Aroma claims that sales of whatever they displayed on the screens have increased as much as 68 percent.

The next step, a camera could be added to the setup determine your sex and age, and display appropriate messaging. I don't see why not.

Even more, one could do 'Minority Report' style of marketing RIGHT NOW! You don't need to have an iris scan index of your customers to do this now. Let's say you enter a loyalty program by allowing a retailer wireless access to read the contents of your cell phone (which should have by now as much info as your web browser, and the new G1 Phone could do it, since it syncs without a computer, and probably will feed it to the Google-Matrix) to offer you stuff that way. Less invasive and less creepy than DNA/Iris scan marketing. Every time you enter the store, or encounter an ad from the retailer, it reads your cell phone, it knows who you are, will acknowledge you, and recognize if you went yesterday to Zappos looking for new shoes, or walked into Sears without purchasing a jacket.

Privacy is pretty much gone for the newest web 2.0 generation (Hi Mom and Dad!, here's a pic of me puking posted in Facebook! and Lil' Sis is wearing Lingerie in MySpace) without any of the 'privacy' mourning we old folks bitched, cried and moaned so much. So it'd be fine. Hopefully we can get there sooner rather than later. I want to feel like on a sci-fi movie and the Prius doesn't cut it.

My bet- In 5 years, Google will enable targeted outdoor banner advertising, based on cellphone tech. (that is if the US hasn't suffered an apocalyptic economic meltdown by next year)

Who Let the Dogs Out?

2008-09-29T08:31:00.000-07:00

The wonderful world of magazine print-on-demand strikes again!

Credit- Glark.org

WAMU Goes Down Fighting!

2008-09-26T10:09:00.001-07:00

Oh irony of ironies. I just got this email. WAMU's last gasp to make sure I spend money to save the economy. Like Dylan Thomas' poem said... 'Do not go Gently into that Good Night'

I feel bad now. Maybe if I had maxed out my credit card (I still have $300 left!) I could've saved WAMU?

Business Suicide Via Bad Direct Marketing

2008-09-25T13:01:00.000-07:00

This is NOT hyperbole. It happens. A bad Direct Marketing campaign has the power to take you out of business.

Once upon a time, back in web 1.0 land, a hot startup called 'ReverseAuction.com' had a brilliantly bad idea. Launching their business by spamming Ebay users with slightly deceptive messaging suggesting someone else could grab their Ebay names. (I actually received this email) Ebay sued, and the founders decided to use their venture money to fight the lawsuit to the bitter end. At the end... they lost and lost the company as well. RIP. ReverseAuction.com 1999-2000

Here you see the FTC finding.

Today? Well, the Bill Heard Dealership Group, the largest Chevrolet Car Dealership in the U.S. has gone out-of-business unexpectedly today, and while the economy is bad all around, Bill Heard also commited a fatal sin when they mailed 10,000 'fake' recall notices, to get people to go to the dealer for sales. Even General Motors was pissed off at that dirty tactic. That caused a $50 Million dollar lawsuit from, the state of GA, which was what finally put the last nail in the coffin for these guys.

You can read more about it HERE.

Good Riddance, Bill Heard. The moral of the story kids: Beware ill conceived direct marketing. it will take your company down.

Hey Orbitz, ever heard of TinyURL?

2008-09-23T15:32:00.000-07:00

The FAIL of the week: Hey Orbitz! How about creating an email without URLs addresses so long it scares the crap out of me? Is that too much?

It's official. We've become a Banana Republic

2008-09-23T09:58:00.001-07:00

SPAM! With a distinct American flavor:

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

(credit - the Nation.com)

You know the economy has gone bad when...

2008-09-23T08:16:00.001-07:00

Direct Marketers start saving postage by sending your mail inside your neighbor's envelope!

See Here

What the fuck, LPC? Are times realy that bad?

(Credit - consumerist.com)

DM Movie Festival - 'Slasher' by John Landis

2008-09-22T09:05:00.001-07:00

Sigh... this is going to get a bit wordy. YouTube has NO clips of this wonderful movie.

So, first things first. You hear 'Slasher', you hear John Landis, the first thing that comes to mind if you having seen this movie is probably a low-budget horror movie with perhaps some scantily clads coeds being persecuted by some horrific bad guy in bad make up, right? ... WRONG!

Our first entry in the Direct Marketing movie festival is a thing of beauty. 'Slasher' is a documentary. It follows Michael Bennett, a 'slasher', a master used car salesman to a Toyota dealership in Memphis in need of clearing a few months' worth of used car inventory. What he does and how he does it is a PHD in direct marketing.

When you meet Michael Bennett, you simply cannot believe this guy, at 4 six-packs-of-beer a day guy, twitchy and looking more like a carny-on-crack than a salesman will get the job done. The city in question is not exactly populated with pocketfuls of money. Memphis at that point was the bankruptcy capital of the US.

So, after you get Michael and his favorite DJ and Favorite 'closer' then he gets to work. The preparation is intense. He even closes the dealership for a day. And While the movie spends a good 15 minutes on the selection of the 'slashettes' and even then, this is not a standard T&A moment. There is a method to the madness here.

So what does he do right? Here is a summary of this brilliant method:

CLEAR BRAND NAME: The name 'Slasher' comes from his marketing method of cutting the price by several thousand dollars in front of the customer. He already knows how low to go in each car.
GREAT ATTRACTIVE OFFER: His hook? A perfect for the market '$88' car. This gets huge attention and lots of people arriving to the dealership to see if the car they have chosen is the $88 one.
TRAINING IN ADVANCE: He trains the sales staff in exactly what to say and how to say it.
RECOGNIZES RISKS AND AVOIDS THEM: When he chooses the 'slashettes' the girls that are both hostesses and registration staff, he chooses carefully, not the cutest ones because he knows he doesn't want husbands' wandering eyes and wives to have any argument at the dealer. The girls are cute, friendly but he certainly lets pass other prettier girls and says exactly why.
CAREFUL CUSTOMER SEGMENTATION: The BEST bit is that he segments his market up front. Upon registration, the arriving customers' credit is run (part of being eligible to but the $88 car), a few minutes later, the customer gets their name tags, the color of the nametags given to them determines their credit worthiness (this is all behind the scenes) by the time Michael is talking to a customer, he knows if he/she can afford the car or not, how much, has a co-signer, etc... so all of this is invisible to the customer and gives Michael powerful leverage on his negotiations

Really, this is a mesmerizing movie, there are many other moments of excellent marketing done here. The way he uses word-of-mouth marketing, raffle prizes, price adjustments is really good. If you are in the Marketing industy, Do yourself a favor and get this movie. Thank me later. I wish I could show you a clip, but there were none to be found.

Vote McCain-Palin 2008

2008-09-17T13:31:00.001-07:00

Sometimes AdSense knows you too well!

2008-09-17T12:55:00.001-07:00

HA! This Gawker story is on the money. Sometimes AdSense and other Ad placing tools show some unbelievable sentience:

Check this Sarah Palin article + Ad

Hee!

That didn't take long - Twitter Spam

2008-09-15T12:19:00.000-07:00

Goddammit! Spammers mutate in all forms, and now Twitter gets all sorts of spam.

This blog has a twitter feed. You can see it here:

http://twitter.com/DMwrecks

But now, not only I have to clean up my many inboxes of Spam, but now I gotta do the same for Twitter!!

Jebus Cripes, not only does the damned thing go down every other week, but now the Spam I get is becoming a daily nuisance. Get your act together Twitter People!!!

Email Rendering is Hard, Son

2008-09-15T10:51:00.000-07:00

Your daily allowance of FAIL has arrived.

Shit happens.... sometimes your automated email just goes and takes a day off.

I was wondering why The New Republic daily email was making so much sense this morning.

Good luck next time guys!

DMWrecks Film Institute - Direct Marketing Film Festival

2008-09-12T06:14:00.000-07:00

OK, here is a weird topic, but hear me out (and send me suggestions!) the DMWrecks Film Institute has picked a handful of movies about Direct Marketing that we will discuss in the next few weeks:

Here are the nominees:

Boiler Room (2000) - Directed by Ben Younger. With Giovanni Ribisi, Vin Diesel, Nia Long. A college dropout gets a job as a broker for a suburban investment firm.
Slasher (2004) - Documentary, Directed by John Landis - A master used car salesman at work at a Memphis dealership
Oh God Part II (1980) - God (George Burns) asks a young girl (Louanne) to help spread his word and influence with a slogan
Minority Report (2002) - Starring Tom Cruise - A policeman in the future tries to stop crimes before they happen.
Glengarry Glenn Ross (1992) - Directed by David Mamet, with Al Pacino, Jack lemmon, Ed Harris. Real Estate salesmen find their jobs in Jeopardy.

Each of these films happen to be from great to fairly good. And all touch marketing in a myriad ways. Any more suggestions? Send them my way.

September 11- A bonanza for direct-to-consumer crappy offers

2008-09-11T09:41:00.000-07:00

I'm no delicate flower, I got a real thick skin as far as marketing is concerned, few things offend me and I wear my cynicism up my sleeve at all times.

However, late night TV has all sorts of crappy conmmemorative products for 9/11... silver bills, silver coins, gold coins, commemorative plates, teddy bears, stamps, posters, etc, etc... In the last few days, its like Christmas got here early for these merchants. At some point, the level of crassness just gets out of hand.

And now the math part, did you know 9+11= 20? You didn't huh? Well that is why this is a 20 bill. Awesome. Look at the pretty towers. Aren't you moved to buy this?

I was there in 9/11, in front of the fracking Pentagon and I saw the plane with my own eyes (so conspiracy theorist can go *BLEEP* my *BLEEP*)

Dear 9/11 marketers, don't come to sell me a silver dollar bill with a picture of the towers. I can remember 9/11 pretty clearly without the help of crappy stuff MOSTLY MADE IN CHINA, thank you!

Revenge of the Fool - Old Skool Strikes Back!

2008-09-11T09:09:00.000-07:00

So, DMWrecker... you didn't like the first humoungous email we sent, huh? How about a bigger one to shut.you.up!

I'd imagine is how the discussion went up at Fool.com headquarters when they decided to sent yet another long-ass email, this time bigger and badder!

This one is also the classic 'apology' email, since apparently if you ordered from the first one, your order was eaten by the server trolls, so how's about a free trial? huh? huh?

Unless there is a correlation between length of email and response, can someone tell me why the hell is anyone sending an email than when printed, it covers 7 pages?? In the screen, its length is 10 screens vertically.

Dear Bill Mann... how about getting to the point, in, I dunno, less than 300 words? Is that possible? By the time I finish reading your email, the stocks you recommend will have gone bankrupt. Click on the pic at the left ------->

Spam: It's what's for dinner

2008-09-09T17:25:00.000-07:00

You gotta admit that, spammers are always adding the latest and greatest news and events in their crappy messages. Plus, they invite controversy, and appeal to people's racial fears, physical shortcomings and discriminatory tendencies...

In other words... this spam email sucks

No folks, Obama is not going to increase the size of your dick, neither McCain will sell you his special Viagra, nor there is a Sarah Palin lesbian video. Click on spam at your own risk.

Got a really bad one? Email it to me at dmwrecks@gmail.com

Helio is gone... told ya so!!!

2008-09-09T15:15:00.001-07:00

Helio is now officially part of Virgin Mobile.

See Here

See. Just as I told you not so long ago here, the email/postal mail you get from a startup will tell your their attitude towards money and can point out if a start-up will hang around for a while.